Air Force Jokes

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The Barber

An airman finds a barber shop near the base and goes inside for a haircut. After getting a nice, short flat-top, the airman asks how much he should pay.

"No charge, son" replies the barber, "Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."

The next day, as he opens shop, the barber finds a squadron T-shirt and a thank-you note left by his customer. Later that day, a staff sergeant comes in, asking the barber to take a little bit off the sides. When the haircut was complete and the NCO reaches for his wallet, the barber again says: "No charge, sergeant. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."

The next day, as he opens shop, he is pleased to find an Air Force hat and a squadron coin by the door, with a thank-you note. Later that day, a colonel comes in, asking if the barber can do something to cover his bald spot. The barber obliges, and when it comes time to pay, he again says: "No charge, sir. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."

The barber comes to work the next day and finds on his doorstep ... three more Air Force colonels.

How to Cross a River

Once upon a time three Air Force Officers were walking through the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wild river. But they desperately had to get to the other side. But how, with such a raging torrent? The first Officer knelt down and prayed to the Lord: "Lord, please give me the strength to cross this river!"

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*

The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he almost drowned several times. BUT: he was successful!

The second Officer, who observed this, prayed to the Lord and said: "Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessary tools to cross this river!"

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*

The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times.

The third Officer who observed all this knelt down and prayed: "Lord, please give me the strength, the means and the intelligence to cross this river!"

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*

The Lord converted the Officer into a Sergeant. The Sergeant took a quick glance on the map, walked a few meters upstream and crossed the bridge.

Here's the Pitch

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents.

At Andersen Air Force Base, Guam, a man in civilian clothes approached an airman and requested a vehicle pass.

The young airman, fresh out of technical training, asked to see his military ID, driver's license and his vehicle registration. Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification, the new airman asked, "What's BG stand for -- Big Guy?"

"No," the man replied, leaning over the counter. "Try Brigadier General."

Recruits got a shock when their Air Force basic-training instructor turned out to be an attractive female sergeant. Her assistant, however, was a burly, hawk-nosed veteran whose glare could freeze water. At the end of training, the attractive instructor congratulated the recruits and said that if there was anything she could do for them, just ask. From the back, a voice called out, "How about a kiss from the sergeant?"

"Sure," she replied, raising her hand to quell the laughter. "But I'll let my assistant take care of it!"

At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels.

A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in.

One day a young boy sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at his group and said, "Gramma, could I have a quarter?"

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

A HARD NIGHT

Air Force Approach: "Eagle 13, turn right to 330."

Eagle 13: "Roger 330."

App: "Eagle 13, I've been working since last night, Will you do me a favor?"

Eagle 13: "Affirmative. Go ahead."

App: "Down below on your right, you'll see a base house with yellow roof near the lake. That is my house. I had a fight with my Wife, and I'm worried she might take it out on my Harley. Do you see a Harley Davidson near the house?"

Eagle 13: "Negative sir. Instead I can see a Ryder's truck."

Just after a father, who was a career Air Force NCO, passed away, all his kids returned home to be with their mom. As they reminisced about their dad they found themselfs floating from sorrow to laughter as they brought up fond memories of theie nomadic military lifestyle. One morning they were discussing what music should be played at the funeral and several hymns were suggested.

"But, Mom," the older sister said, "since Daddy was in the Air Force, shouldn't we request the Air Force song?"

"No, dear," the mother said with a smile. "We are not playing a song with the words 'Off we go into the wild blue yonder' at your father's funeral!"

St Peter is standing at Heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was in the Air Force, Sir. I was Security Forces."

"Excellent my son...I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate, will ya?"

Navel Destroyers

A father, an Air Force Academy graduate, still retained a strict military code of ethics, as well as, a quick wit.

One day, his daughter mentioned she was thinking about getting her belly button pierced.

"No way!" the father fired back. "This is an Air Force family. No navel destroyers are allowed!"

Pilot Jokes

The Herc and the F-15s

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc's deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about."

Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..

After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak."

Q&A

Q: How do you know if there is an Air Force pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between an Air Force pilot and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the planes shuts down.

Q: How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One...he just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you bury a fighter pilot?

A: You give him an enema and bury what's left in a shoe box.

The Three Pilots

Three pilots are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks.

The first pilot says, "Those are deer tracks."

The second pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks."

The third pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks."

The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them.

How to Cross a River

Once upon a time three Air Force Officers were walking through the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wild river. But they desperately had to get to the other side. But how, with such a raging torrent? The first Officer knelt down and prayed to the Lord: "Lord, please give me the strength to cross this river!"

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*

The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he almost drowned several times. BUT: he was successful!

The second Officer, who observed this, prayed to the Lord and said: "Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessary tools to cross this river!"

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*

The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times.

The third Officer who observed all this knelt down and prayed: "Lord, please give me the strength, the means and the intelligence to cross this river!"

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*

The Lord converted the Officer into a Sergeant. The Sergeant took a quick glance on the map, walked a few meters upstream and crossed the bridge.

Sergeants' Methods

A group of Sergeants and a group of Air Force Officers take a train to a conference. Each Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of Sergeants has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Sergeants will finally get what they deserve.

Suddenly one of the Sergeants calls out: "The conductor is coming!" At once, all the Sergeants jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: "Ticket, please!" One of the Sergeants slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round.

For the return trip the Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Sergeants didn't buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the Sergeants announces again: "The conductor is coming!" Immediately all the Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in.

All the Sergeants leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last Sergeant enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Officers and says: "Ticket, please!"

And the moral of the story? Officers like to use the methods of the Sergeants, but they don't really understand them.

Submitted By Unknown

Sargeant Williams was the newest drill instructor at AOCS, Aviation Officer Candidate School and as such was always trying to impress his company commander and the other officers in the Command. Daily he was seen jumping all over his officer candidates and yelling at them as he supposedly developed them into future Naval Officers. We were lined up behind his company awaiting our turn to go into the mess hall for lunch. We all listened as Sargeant Williams yelled at his company, "You will eat in a military fashion, enjoy this delicious meal and fall by in formation at 1215, do you worms understand me?"

"Yes drill sargeant."

"There are only three rules in this galley, shut up, eat up and get up, do you pukes understand me?"

"Yes drill sargeant."

"Then proceed. Company forward march."

When they got inside, they were surprised to see several Miss Florida contestants getting a tour of the mess hall. Not one to let an opportunity slip by the drill sargeant yelled at the top of his lungs, "Bravo company what is the first rule of the mess hall?"

To his chagrin, his company all yelled out in unison, "Shut up drill sargeant!"

Submitted By Unknown
I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos. The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We were not allowed to leave the "capsule" until relieved the next day, and we were supported by several on-site personnel in the support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave. On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot food would be unavailable for a short time. Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders. We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gentler military officers we were, told her "No problem. Just send down the frozen meals and we'll 'nuke' them ourselves."

Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she whispered, "You can DO that?" :

Fighter Pilot Jokes

Q. How do you know your date with the fighter pilot is half over?

A. He says "but enough about me - wanna hear about my plane?"

----------

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

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Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

----------

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

The progress of the student during flying training was not good enough to allow him to continue the course and to become a fighter pilot. He had to leave the pilot training outfit but he wanted to remain in the Air Force and could be transferred into another sector. Asked for his preferences he replied:

" AAA, Anti Aircraft Artillery, because 'if I don't fly - nobody will"

The 'Off' Switch

Real story by Arthur F. Provost

I was doing sysadmin for the Air Force a few years ago and got a user story that tops 'em all. The Help Desk gave me a call from Major So-and-so who was having a problem with his workstation. I spoke with him and he told me, "Every time I switch it over to 'Official' the damn screen goes blank." I went down to see what the hell this "Official" switch was. After nearly getting court-martialed for laughing so hard, I spent about 20 minutes explaining to this ex-pilot that "Off" was not an abbreviation for "Official."

At one time, the ammunition dump at Nellis AFB, Nevada, was commanded by a colonel whose strict rule was no matches or lighters in the ammo area. To test the men, he would occasionally walk among them with an unlighted cigar between his teeth, stopping now and then to ask an unsuspecting airman for a light.

One evening the colonel paused to watch a sergeant and his crew unpack bomb fuses. "Would any of you gentlemen have a light?" he asked.

"Yes, sir!" an airman piped up. The sergeant and crew stood braced for the colonel's wrath. But the deathly silence erupted into guffaws.

"Thank you, airman," the colonel said and strutted away. With a flourish, the airman switched off his flashlight and returned it to his pocket.

Submitted By Unknown

One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local Air Force Base, I overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his uniform cleaned and pressed.

When he finished, the counter clerk asked, "Are you getting an award, or do you have an important military function to attend?"

"Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on leave, and my little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for show-and-tell."

Submitted By Unknown

As the soldier drove up to the Air Force base gate, my husband, who was on security detail at the time, had an inkling that the driver might have had a few. What gave him away? The guy thought he was at a tollbooth and handed my husband a five dollar bill.

Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang- up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there"?

"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft).

The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."

He was cleared...

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

During a visit to a military medical clinic, a recruiter was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on the recruiter's arm, he told him that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing his Air Force T-shirt he asked him what he did.

When he replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

Q: What's the difference between Iraq's air force and the United State's Air Force?

A: The U.S. pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

Four retired veterans are walking down the street. When they see a sign that says "Veterans Bar," they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini.

He delivers the drinks and says, "That will be 40 cents,"

They can't believe their good luck. They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 40 cents."

This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"

The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer all the same."

They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything. They ask, "What's with them?"

The bartender says "Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!"

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

An air force officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven.

The officer flyboy replies; "Yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two Seabees harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this Seabee to stand down."

St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act.

The pilot replied; "About 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!"

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

'My Plane'

During a readiness exercise, two Air Force security policemen were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircraft were kept. When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, one of the Air Force security policemen asked him for it.

"I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my plane."

"Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane," replied the Air Force security man, "but it's sitting in my garage!"

'Kiss Me Sarge'

Recruits got a shock when their Air Force basic-training instructor turned out to be an attractive female sergeant. Her assistant, however, was a burly, hawk-nosed veteran whose glare could freeze water. At the end of training, the attractive instructor congratulated the recruits and said that if there was anything she could do for us, just ask. From the back, a voice called out, "How about a kiss from the sergeant?"

"Sure," she replied, raising her hand to quell the laughter. "but I'll let my assistant take care of it!"

Late to Work

Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, "Good morning, General."

The Army and the Air Force Try to Work Together

There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,..... "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ..... "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, ...... "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"

So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"

The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"

The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

New Air Force Uniform

[New Air Force Uniform]

Washington (AP) The Air Force unveiled its new Battle Dress Uniform today. The utilitarian thing about the new uniform said Air Force representatives was that it has a built-in reversible Hawaiian shirt.

"This helps keep troops at the ready, " said one Air Force Official. "If they are off duty they simply turn the shirt inside-out and come into work."

Pilot Talking Rules

The only three things a wingman should ever say are:

"Two's up."

"Lead, you're on fire."

"I'll take the fat chick."

And in a multi-place aircraft, there are only three things the copilot should ever say:

"Nice landing, Sir."

"I'll buy the first round."

"I'll take the fat chick."

A new copilot on a bomber is only to say these three things and to otherwise keep his mouth shut and not touch anything:

"Clear on the right."

"Outer (marker) on the double" (indicator)

"I'll eat the chicken." (Crew meals consisted of one steak and one chicken to avoid possible food poisoning of the cockpit crew).

Resume Time

An employment recruiter ("headhunter") inadvertently sent a letter to an A-10 pilot requesting his resume. His actual reply follows the request:

Dear Sir:

I am a recruiter in Dallas that specializes in placing students from key colleges in the positions they desire to be in with my clients across the nation. I work with companies of all sizes and industries. I received your name from several other members of the "Association of Former Students" here at Texas A&M University that I am currently working with. Feel comfortable that your information is confidential with my company. I would like to discuss whether you are currently in the market or even keeping your eyes open for the right opportunity. I would like to see a current copy of your resume to see what opportunities that you may be perfect for. Please send your resume via e-mail or fax to my attention, and I will follow up with you in the next few days to determine your level of interest.

I thank you in advance for your response. Please e-mail me back at *****odellrecruits.com" , or call me direct at (800)880-xxxxx Extension ##xxx.

Sincerely,

Aaron McCartney
Senior Recruiting Consultant Odell & Associates

------------------------------------

Dear Mr. McCartney:

This is in response to the email you sent me regarding your services as recruiter. Currently I am employed as a US Air Force Fighter Pilot flying A-10 Thunderbolts for the 25TH Fighter Squadron, Osan AB, Republic of Korea.

My contract with the USAF does not expire until 2011. Here are some of my qualifications nonetheless, just in case any of your clients are need of someone with my expertise:

1. The ability to employ my aircraft, the feared A-10 Warthog, as one of the most capable ground attack/CAS platforms in the world.

2. Protect South Korea from communist hordes led by the Great Pornographer, Kim Jung Ill.

3. Drop cluster munitions from 10,000 feet onto unsuspecting DANKS (dumb ass north Koreans) and send 202 individual bomblets of wrath and fury into their starving, bloated, pink bodies.

4. Take a 6000 foot slant range Forced-No-Solution High-angle gun shot and kill troops in their wimpy little APC's with reckless abandon. (Do you have any idea, Mr. McCartney, what a 30mm Armor Piercing Incendiary round that is as long as your forearm does as it boars through a tank's walls like Jell-O? Let me tell you, it's not pretty.)

5. Get wicked-ass-drunk at the Officer's club on Friday nights, smokin' big fat Cuban cigars (this is Korea, not the US), drink Gin and Tonics like water, throw furniture off the roof, say '#$%^' a lot, and %^#* off all the wives and hapless souls who hate our guts because they are not fighter pilots.

Mr. McCartney, I have no idea how to "hold a meeting," "do a memo," "take a lunch," "think outside the box" or even sit behind a desk for that matter. I only eat, sleep, fly, and drink. I am an instrument of national policy the likes of which your clients probably have never seen. I would just as soon detonate a 500 pound Mark 82 Air Burst 20 feet above a DANK playground than wander through some corporate office blabbering about business plans and the latest episode of Ally "eat a damn sandwich" McBeal.

Thank you for your letter and please let me know if any of your associates show interest in my capabilities. I look forward to hearing from you.