says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.
"That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a
The plebe snaps to attention and barks,
Because of a minor infraction, a sailor aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted
one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his
21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by
"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."
As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he
"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."
The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line --
and it was July 23.
The new Navy recruits were being processed when a crusty chief petty officer entered the
room, looking to put together a work detail.
"Smith, Jones, Brown! On your feet!"
Several recruits stood up. The chief smiled and said,
"It works every time."
While training off the Florida coast, a Navy Seal Unit could not inflate their boat so
they started swimming to shore. They soon spotted an old beachcomber standing on the shore.
The unit leader shouted,
"Are there any gators around here?!"
the man hollered back,
"they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the seals started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there
the leader asked the guy,
"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin',"
the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
When asked by a higher officer how some compulsive gamblers were doing as sailors, the
"Generally fine, except when they hear, All hands on deck, then they all pick up their
The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks
(Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He
talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be
more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and
a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the
food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just
carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer
containing a large piece of chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him,
"Is that all you're gonna eat?"
The sailor said,
"Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said,
"Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"
The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs,
"I told you my talk did them some good."
The kid said,
"Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas.
One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water.
"What's the matter, Mate?"
asked the sick bay attendant.
"Do you feel pain?"
"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."
Two sailors, Joe and Sam stepped off their ship to start their shore leave in Hawaii. Joe
turned to Sam and said,
"Wow, we have a whole weekend in Havaii. Lets find us a cold beer."
Sam looked at Joe shaking his head and said,
"Joe, why do you keep calling it 'Havaii.' It's pro-nounced 'Hawaii'."
"Oh come on Sam, everyone knows it's pro-nounced 'Havaii', just talk to anyone."
This went on for quite awhile as they walked down the dock so they decided to make a bet
that the loser would buy the first two beers. With a handshake they sealed the bet and Joe
asked the first man they seen,
"Can you settle an argument between me and Sam?. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii,"
the man replied.
This made Joe puff up and he said to Sam,
"Ha! That beer sure is going to taste good!"
As they began to walk away, Joe turned back and gave the man a hearty
the man called back.
Few people outside the military know what a Navy Quartermaster does (several duties include
the watch-to-watch navigation and the maintenance of nautical charts and navigational
instruments as well as duties that used to be part of the Signalman rating: visual
So during my aircraft carrier's Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore. I
grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat. When finished, I pointed to a little girl
in front and asked,
"Now do you know what I do?"
"You're a cheerleader."
Submitted By Unknown
On a family night out, it became obvious to us all that Dad, an old sailor, had never really
left the Navy. As my father pulled our minivan in front of the restaurant my brother began
opening the sliding door.
"Wait till I pull up to the pier."
A Navy officer was walking through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and chanced upon a
sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on a table.
the officer boomed.
"Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?"
replied the sailor,
"but we don't land airplanes on the roof either!"
The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him,
"Get over here! What's your name sailor?"
the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot
camp nowdays, but I don't call anyone by his first name,"
the chief scowled.
"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors
by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as
'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed.
"Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ....."
What can you think about the young man who joined the navy to see the world, and spent the
next three years in a submarine!
Two Sailors were talking about assignments they would like to get.
"Someday I'd like to ride on a submarine."
"Not me! I wouldn't set foot on any ship that sinks on purpose!"
The chief on a submarine was trying in vain to hook up some fire hoses. The wrenches he had didn't fit the
connections, so he resorted to banging away at the hoses to make things fit. Just then an ensign walked by.
he yelled out,
"I have a book on tools you can borrow."
shouted the chief.
"It's got to be heavier than this wrench I'm using."
On the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot,
one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy,
"That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."
The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After
about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing:
"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawines."
On many U.S. Navy ships the movie screen is suspended amid-ship so that it can be viewed from both sides. This
procedure makes it available to larger crowds at popular movies, but usually the junior officers get a reverse
image from "the wrong side of the screen."
One evening at dinnertime an enterprising young ensign passed the following word over the officer's IMC circuit:
"The movie to be shown in the wardroom tonight for the senior officers is on the right side of the screen - The
Left-Handed Gun, starring Paul Newman."
"For the junior officers on the wrong side of the screen - The Right-Handed Gun, starring Namwen Luap."
Jim was just out of Navy boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit
ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise. He
saluted and said,
"Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary."
The ensign returned his salute and replied,
"Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship,
there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck, that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead,
that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttle- butt. If I ever hear you
using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I will throw you out of that little round window over there!"
Submitted By Unknown
As he flew to Atlanta on a commercial airline, the admiral I worked for struck up a conversation with
his elderly seatmate. She asked how he liked the Navy.
"I love it,"
"It's the best thing I've ever done."
"So do you think you'll make it a career?"
One day, the American writer and comedian Robert Benchley was out to dinner with his son Nathaniel.
We went to the Trocadero, writes Nathaniel in his memoir of his father Robert Benchley: A Biography.
When, in the course of events, we left to go home, he went to a uniformed man at the door and said
"Would you get us a taxi, please?"
The man turned round and regarded him icily.
"I'm very sorry,"
"I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy."
"All right, then"
said my father.
"Get us a battleship."
The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy, regarding the theft of some mascots
from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:
"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to get to the goats, and 15 feet away
there was an unlocked gate."
Submitted By Unknown
A hospital corpsman and I were getting an elderly retired master chief petty officer out of his wheelchair, when
I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee.
I asked, unable to make out the design.
"It's a banjo,"
he said sheepishly.
"I'm from Alabama."
A naval command instructor was indoctrinating his new naval command recruits.
"You are all in the Navy now and in the US Navy we have our own language. For instance,
in the Navy we don't call it a bathroom; we don't call it a toilet; we don't call it a
A young Naval Command recruit raised his hand and asked,
"What do you call it?"
"Son, we call it a 'head'. Now tell me son, what is the difference between a 'head' and a
'hole in the ground'?"
The naval recruit said,
"Well, I don't know."
The naval command Instructor said,
"Son, how do you expect to command a US Naval ship if you don't know your head from a
hole in the ground?"
A Uboater's wife worked at the Navy exchange dry cleaners while he was stationed at the
submarine base in Groton, Conn.
One evening a familiar-looking man in civilian clothes came to pick up his dry cleaning.
She was sure he was on her husband's crew and that she had met him at the "Welcome Aboard"
party a few weeks earlier.
As she gave him his change, she said,
"Excuse me, but aren't you on my husband's boat?"
the commanding officer replied,
"I believe your husband is on MY boat."
While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital's emergency room, all are required
to introduce themselfs by their rank and full name. One usually refer to himself as Ensign
Mike Payne, but one busy day, he rushed into a patient's room and blurted,
"Hi, I'm Ensign Payne."
the patient responded.
"I'm in some pain too."
The new ensign was standing his first night watch on the bridge of a destroyer. Far out
on the horizon, the USS New Jersey was conducting a night gunnery exercise.
The ensign, seeing the flashes of light from the battleship, ran excitedly up to the
signal bridge and pointed out the "Morse code" coming from the other ship.
"What are they saying? What are they saying?"
Jim was just out of Navy boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of
port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign,
also just out of training and on his first cruise. He saluted and said,
"Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go
downstairs to the dispensary."
The ensign returned his salute and replied,
"Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no
dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a
deck, that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a pillar, it is a
stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttle- butt. If I ever hear you using
civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I will throw you out of that little round window
Funny Submarine quotes
"Yes, it is possible!"
William Bourne, English inventor. (1578) He also points out that submarines can be an
effective weapon in wartime.
"The only thing that will happen is that the vessel will sink, and suffocate the crew"
H. G. Wells, English writer(1902) (Submarines had been used since ca. 1850)
"Even if a submarine should work by a miracle, it will never be used. No country in this
world would ever use such a vicious and petty form of warfare!"
William Henderson, British admiral(1914)
Talking Dog for Sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a
broken down shanty-style house:
Talking Dog for Sale
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed
services ... The United States Marine Corps... You know one of their nicknames is "The
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around
really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger."
"So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years)
and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.. I got married,
had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!"
Flying near Athens
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a sailor asked
"What's that stuff on those hills?"
replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought,"
said the sailor,
"but this soldier in front of me said it was Greece."
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor,
"Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."
by Robert Lewis
My father had one I always liked from his Navy service during the
One ship in the squadron had a captain whose officers idolized him,
and tried to emulate his every action. When he bought a particular
brand of cologne, all the other officers began wearing the same
cologne. When he started smoking a pipe, so did the officers.
One day, the captain returned from shore with his head shaved! Sure
enough, that evening, all the officers in his crew crowded into the
base barber shop to have their head shaved, too.
The next morning, the captain appeared on the bridge, looked around
at all the bald pates, and without a word, reached up and pulled off
his skin-head wig.
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at
about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor
to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness,
the officer ordered the sailor,
"Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning
or it's the brig for you!"
The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his
charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The
sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the
tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left,
only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor
went through the same routine all over again, with the same result.
He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the
chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his
"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no
cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself,
barked the chief.
came the reply,
"I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and
missed muster. When questioned he said:
"Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond
to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition."
The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with
awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.
Stand In Line
snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman.
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be
waiting for me to die so you can come and dance on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!"
the Seaman replied.
"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
New submarine Ensign
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working
since a young boy.
He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned
in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said,
"Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to
the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the
result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
A couple was touring a shipyard area in a coastal city of Italy when
they saw a strange looking craft. They stopped and asked a worker,
"Sir, is that a U-boat?"
"shesa belonga to da goverment."
On the high seas!
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the
ship after an evening of partying ashore.
As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted,
"Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that
the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a
dump in your pants."
An old couple received a package from the Navy containing the civilian
clothes their son was wearing when he left for boot camp. Not wanting
to open the box, the mother puts it away.
This cracked up her husband, who accused her of being a sentimental
"I'm not sentimental,"
she shot back.
"I'm realistic. His shoes, socks and underwear have been inside that
box for two weeks, and I'm not going to be the one to open it!"
A destroyer pulled into Borneo for liberty. Cut down to a skeleton
watch, most of the ship was empty for the night. A few piers down, a
ship was loading local cargo for export. Among the crates was an
orangutan, who broke out of his cage. The ape traveled the waterfront
in the dark, and finally reached the destroyer. He climbed the mooring
lines, boarded, and climbed up the smokestack. Inside the stack, the
confused animal made it down to the engine room, and started wandering
around. He came to an electrical panel, opened for maintenance, ignored
the safety ropes, and managed to make contact with an extremely high
voltage contact. Bright blue spark and the ship is suddenly dark
A few minutes later, two hull techs are searching with their
flashlights for the problem. They come on the dark burnt hairy body.
They shine the flashlight on his long, long arms. They look at each
other. They look at his short stubby legs. They look at each other.
They look at his face for a long time.
Finally, the third class tells the seaman:
"Okay, his legs are too short for a machinist mate, his arms are too
long for a boiler tech, and he's too hairy for an electrician. Call
the wardroom, see if any of the junior officers are missing."
Before the Trouble Starts
A Navy man walks into a bar. Sitting himself down, he tells the
bartender, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours a drink and watches as the man quickly downs it.
Putting the glass on the bar, the sailor says, "Give me another drink
before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours another glass and the sailor drinks it as quickly
as he had the first, before asking for another, again adding, ". . .
before the trouble starts."
After several rounds of this the bartender says, "Look sailor, you've
been in here ten minutes and you keep talking about trouble starting.
Just when is this "trouble" going to start?"
The sailor looks at the bartender and says, "The trouble starts just
as soon as you find out that I ain't got any money."
This Sailor walks into a bar with a large Parrot perched on his head.
'Where the heck did you get that?' asked the barman.
'Well, the Parrot replied - you won't believe it, but it
started as this little wart on my butt !'
The crew of a fast frigate was practicing the man overboard drill by
"rescuing" a bright orange fluorescent dummy dubbed Mortimer. The
captain watched as a young lieutenant nervously stopped the ship,
turned it and maneuvered into place. Unfortunately, he ran right over
Mortimer. Surveying the remains of Mortimer scattered around the ship,
the captain told the lieutenant,
"Son, do me a favor. If I ever fall overboard, just drop anchor and
I'll swim to you."
A Navy for the 21st Century
Vision Statement: A New Century Demands a New Navy.
America Deserves A Leaner, Meaner, More Flexible Navy At Less Cost.
Introduce Simple, Tested, Effective Weapon Systems
Modernize Naval Aviation
Introduce New Manpower Efficient Submarines
Adopt Environmentally Friendly Technologies
The Fighting Sailor
In the 60's there was a Navy sailor who had for weeks been assisting in the landing of
infantry in Vietnam. The sailor was fed-up with the work on the ship. He craved action,
so he attached himself to one of the combat units and soon arrived at Hill 248.
There was hot action and the sailor distinguished himself so that he was decorated for
outstanding bravery. But his absence was discovered back at the port. They determined
where he was and wired that he be returned immediately.
The reply from the sailor's commanding officer read like this:
"Your seaman is fighting on Hill 2' 48. He's doing a helluva job, been cited for bravery
and decorated. You come and get him because we're afraid to go up after him!"
Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing:
"You've got to land here son, this is where the food is."
No Reverse On Expensive Fighter
At the Naval Air Station a young ground-crew member was being trained
on how to direct an F-14 into the fuel pit for hot refueling. The
instructor gave him a go and after quite some wild arm weaving the F14
was parking, but when checking they discovered that he had taxied the
aircraft too far forward from the fuel hose to reach the airplane.
"You'll have to send him around again,"
said the instructor.
he said, surprised.
"They spend millions on these things and you can't even put them in reverse?"
New Addition to the Fleet
(AP) NEWPORT NEWS, VA (March 29) The US Navy, amidst lavish
celebration, launched the newest addition to the Fleet today: the USS
William J. Clinton. The Clinton, according to a Navy spokesperson,
will add a new twist to the Navy's capabilities and will solve a
number of problems that have arisen in the years since women were
added to the complements of Navy vessels. USS Clinton, designated
AGH(M)-1, is a brand-new, state-of-the-art Maternity Hospital Ship.
Navy Spokesman Ben A. Mittlesteadt, briefing reporters before the
christening ceremony (the ceremony for the "ship," not its occupants)
stated that the new vessel is designed to alleviate the serious
challenges associated with the ever-increasing incidence of shipboard
"We are concerned that the necessity of evacuating female sailors from
fleet units has become an difficult operation, given the number of
evacuees that we have to deal with on a weekly basis. USS Clinton will
be equipped with its own helicopter airlift wing in order to relieve
the maternity transportation burden on existing combat units."
The Clinton is to be the first of a twelve-ship class, each 80,000 ton
ship costing $230 million. A Clinton-class ship will be added to each
of the Navy's carrier battle groups to ensure full combat-readiness
in the face of the increasing number of expectant naval personnel.
Each AGH(M) will be provided with a fully-equipped OB/GYN staff, a
complete birthing facility (staffed by Navy medical personnel trained
as midwife/Lamaz specialists), and a neonatal clinic. A comprehensive
day-care center will be included in order to allow new sailor-mothers
to return to duty as quickly as possible, which will greatly increase
the efficiency of Navy operations, Mittlesteadt told reporters.
In a departure from Navy tradition, the ship's sponsor, NOW president
Patricia Ireland, christened the vessel by breaking two bottles across
the ship's bow: one containing infant formula, symbolizing the
services to be provided to a new generation of Navy juniors, the other
filled with kiwi/orange/cucumber nectar, representing the Navy's
commitment to fulfilling the needs of its pregnant crewpersons. The
second ship of the class, the USS Murphy Brown (AGH(M)-2), is
scheduled to be launched next year.
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir,"
the student replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?"
asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
said the captain.
"Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
The Chief's Parrot
The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got that chicken ranch he always wanted.
He took with him his lifelong pet parrot.
First morning at 04:30, the parrot squawked and said,
"Off yer hocks and don yer socks. Reveille"
The old chief told the parrot,
"We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep."
The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. The old Chief told the parrot,
"Look, if you keep this up, I will put you out in the chicken pen."
Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.
About 06:30, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went
out to see what was the matter.
The parrot had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3 bruised and
beaten brown ones. The parrot was saying,
"By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!
Pilot's pre-launch brief off the carrier to his passenger in a 2-place jet:
"If anything goes wrong off the cat, I'll say 'Eject Eject Eject'. If you say 'Huh?',
you'll be talking to yourself."
Submitted By Unknown
My father served in the Seabees, which meant he was more likely to handle a cement mixer than a rifle.
I tried to explain this to my six year-old-son.
"Grandpa didn't fight in any battles,"
"He wasn't that kind of soldier."
said my son.
"He was in the Salvation Army."
Grunt, sailor and airman
On a rather slow day, to further cement amicable relations between
branches, the DoD came up with a plan to have a massive camping trip
involving all the actively enlisted men.
A grunt, a sailor and an airman found themselves together at a covered
mess table. After customary greeting grunts, they decided might as
well make the best of a bad situation and try to get along. The sailor
"Hey. What didja guys bring along?"
"Well, I brought some bug spray."
The grunt said.
The other two replied
"Keep the bugs off, you dumb-asses."
After several minutes of silence, the sailor spoke up again, nodding
to the airman.
"Brought a sleeping bag."
"Why did ya do that? We already got some supplied."
The grunt pointed out.
The pampered airman responded,
"Yea well, they didn't have the nice thermal-padded ones."
Rolling his eyes, the grunt looked ready to kick the airman's rear.
As he was standing up, the sailor coughed politely. The other two look
him over to the sailor, who was grinning ear to ear. The airman asked
the question which the sailor so obviously wanted to be asked.
"What did you bring?"
"A car door."
"What the hell would you need a car door for?!"
The throughly agitated grunt yelped.
The sailor's toothy smile got larger.
"If we get hot, we can roll the window down."
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out,
"Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward.
"Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
said the captain,
"you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
The Master Chief was inspecting the barracks and he overheard one terrified recruit
"Master Chief Barnes has the heart of a tiny child . . . on his desk . . . in a jar."
Without missing a beat, Master Chief Barnes snarled,
"Damned it if they don't find out EVERY little thing about you!"
An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts
and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a seaman, and decided to ask a few
questions to check the level of training aboard.
"what would you do if someone fell over the rail?"
"Officer or enlisted?"
was the instant reply.
"Um, okay, enlisted, uh, someone from your division. Yeah, one of your buds falls over the
side, what would you do?"
"Call away 'Man Overboard,' toss a floatation device to him, stick by the rail and try to
keep an eye on him while the ship turns and lookouts assemble. When a phone talker
arrives, give information to the bridge to aid in the recovery."
"Okay, sailor, good answer. But I have to ask, what would you do if an officer fell over
The sailor leaned close, looked left and right, and asked,
A Lesson in Naval Logistics
On 23 August 1779, the USS Constitution set sail from Boston, loaded with 475 officers and
men, 48,600 gallons of water, 74,000 cannon shot, 115,000 pounds of black powder and
79,000 gallons of rum.
Her mission: to destroy and harass English Shipping
On 6 October, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour and 688,300 gallons of rum.
Three weeks later, Constitution reached the Azores, where she provisioned with 550 pounds
of beef and 300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England where her crew captured and scuttled 12 English
merchant vessels and took aboard rum.
By this time, Constitution had run out of shot. Nevertheless, she made her way unarmed up
the Firth of Clyde for a night raid. Here, her landing party captured a whiskey
distillery, transferred 13,000 gallons aboard and headed for home.
On 20 February 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston with no cannon shot, no food, no
powder, no rum, and no whiskey.
She did, however, still carry her crew of 475 officers and men and 18,600 gallons of water.
The math is quite enlightening:
Length of cruise: 181 days
Booze consumption: 1.26 gallons per man per day
(this DOES NOT include the unknown quantity of rum captured from the 12 English merchant
vessels in November).
Naval historians note that the reenlistment rate from this cruise was 92%.
LOGISTICS LESSON LEARNED:
Don't load up with too much water.
Here's one of those believe-it-or-not hazards that is both mysterious and potentially
serious. A batch of napkins, mess-deck cloths and galley rags had just emerged from the
dryers. The Sailors in the laundry let them cool for 10 minutes, then piled them in a
laundry cart to await pressing and folding.
Taps sounded, so the laundry went to parade rest until the next day. Nearly eight hours
later, watchstanders heard the high-temp alarm for the laundry. They raced down to
investigate. The space was locked, so one of them had to hustle back to CCS for the keys.
The other watchstander felt heat radiating from one of the laundry's bulkheads and
formally reported a fire. Two crew members who were working out nearby in the ship's gym
kicked in the laundry door and found a class alpha fire burning in the laundry cart. A CO2
bottle squelched the blaze.
So, what started the fire? Spontaneous combustion (cue the "Twilight Zone" soundtrack).
Some of the rags had been used to clean up cooking oil. After drying, when the still-hot
fabric was piled in the cart, heat didn't dissipate, it built up. The prevention
technique for this is to shake any laundry that is going to be left in carts overnight,
and feel the sides of the carts to see if they are hot. None of the current supervisors
knew this precaution. Minor damage this time, but that sure isn't guaranteed.
Once at the Naval Academy, a worker who was refinishing floors had to sand up some fresh
varnish that hadn't been applied correctly. He left the varnish-saturated sawdust in the
floor sander's collection bag overnight, where it stayed until it burst into flames,
triggering a fire that destroyed a historic building.
How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor
Buy a steel dumpster, paint it haze-gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
Repaint your entire house every month. Color Choices-Haze Grey or Dark Grey.
Renovate your bathroom (and henceforth always refer to it as the "head"). Build a wall
across the middle of the bathtub(shower-stall) and move the showerhead to chest level.
When you take a shower, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. (Wet down,
turn off water, soap down, Turn on water rinse down! Navy Shower) (Hollywood Showers are
showers that last more than one(1) Minute).
Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either
trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
Disassemble and inspect your lawn-mower every week.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your
family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. (call it
Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting
out and then getting back in. Put all your clothes under your mattress to press them!
Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your
spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in
your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -dishwasher operator,
blender technician, etc. (call it "PQS- Qualifications").
Have your neighbor come over each day at 6 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout
"Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then
have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you. (call it
"Morning Muster Call").
Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house
before 3 pm. (call it "Early-Liberty").
Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether
it needs it or not. (Stop referring to the garbage bins as "S#$@-CAN's").
Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly
lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. (call it "Mail Call").
Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on
which movie to watch, then show a different one. (call it "Movie Call").
Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for
dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen,
tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily
until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real
thick to level it off.
Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or hot dogs
on stale bread. (Midrats=MIDNIGHT RATIONS).
Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and
dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants
into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. (call it "FIRE
Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout,
"Man overboard port side!"
Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper
cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper
"Stove manned and ready."
After an hour or so, speak into the cup again
Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox. (SOUND-POWERED
Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium,
rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a
good time. (call it "QUARTERDECK WATCH").
When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock
as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale
crackers in your shirt pocket and a bucket so you can puke in it.
Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the
pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking. Or go to boiler room for some BT (Boiler Tech)
coffee made from feed water, nasty tasting stuff, but you get used to it, drinking hot
coffee when in 145 down there in front of the boilers, that's a cool day! In the Persian
Gulf it gets hotter!
Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears, and tell the
barber just a little off the sides.
Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the
6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th
week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get
ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house
because you failed inspection, or you have ORI coming up.
Have you wife press your skivvies, no starch!
Get drunk and wind up in a tattoo parlor getting a tattoo on your wife's butt cheeks or a
Choo Choo train coming out your butt hole.
Eat your meal in less than 5 minutes to keep in practice, chewing not required!
Shout out every time a women comes into your room,
"Female in quarters"!
What Really Happened to the Submarine Kursk
New information has come to light about the Kursk disaster. For those with short
attention spans, the Kursk was the Russian submarine that blew up and sank in the Arctic
Ocean killing all 118 on board. The Russians tried to blame the incident on a collision
with an unidentified object. However, sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one
at first, then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims.
A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked that the Kursk was testing a new
type of torpedo when the accident occurred. It seems very likely that the test didn't
go quite as planned. While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed,
salvage crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained
detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. A copy of those tapes has
recently come into the hands of NATO intelligence officers, one of whom leaked it to the
It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft Windows XP on their fire
control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging CP/M operating system with the
flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians didn't know about the legendary stability
problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make this painfully obvious:
Transcript of Portions of the Kursk Log
Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade?
Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration card.
Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies into oblivion.
[evil laughter in background]
Seaman: Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says 'Preparing to run Windows for the
first time'. [long pause]
Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time.
Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [another long pause]
Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware . . .. A CD-ROM drive
and that it needs drivers.
Captain: Where are the drivers?
Seaman: On the CD-ROM.
Captain: You are joking, no?
Seaman: No Sir.
Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this Windows. [another
Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is looking for the
device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?
Captain: I do not think so.
Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers. [another long pause]
Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again.
Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking forever. Our hull
is going to rust out before this works. [another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!
Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles?
Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready.
Captain: Good work comrade. Now click on the fire control icon and let us see how this
Seaman: Clicking now, Sir. [another long pause]
Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it?
Seaman: I have no idea Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire a
Torpedo . . . .
Captain: We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [another long pause]
Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready.
Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1!
Intercom: This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir.
Captain: Click on the continue button.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [another long pause]
Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink.
Captain: Click ignore. W e will get some ink when we return to base.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. We are ready to fire.
Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade.
Seaman: Firing torpedo, Sir. [another really long pause]
Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute . . . .
[Loud explosion in the background]
Captain: What the hell was that?!?!?
Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! It says, "Outlook Express Fire Control has
performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click 'OK' to continue."
Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do?
Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down!
Seaman: It is not responding, Sir!
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. . . . Sir! We are in luck! The task manager is still operating.
I am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control. [another long pause]
Seaman: The task manager says "Outlook Fire Control not responding."
Captain: Well no shit. Tell it to "End Task".
Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir.
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]
Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen!
Captain: Holy $@#%! Not the blue screen of death
[Loud explosion heard]
The tape ends at this point. During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing
tapping in Morse Code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. The rescuers couldn't
understand why a group of men would spend the last of their strength tapping out "Windows
Sucks!" in Morse. The tapes of the last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into