The Second World War history

The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was LtGen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for the allies.

The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded in combat and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress)

At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th. Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named "Amerika". All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions, your chance of being Killed was 71%.

Not that bombers were helpless. A B-17 carried 4 tons of bombs and 1.5 tons of machine gun ammo. The US 8th Air Force shot down 6,098 fighter planes, 1 for every 12,700 shots fired.

Germany's power grid was much more vulnerable than realized. One estimate is that if just 1% of the bombs dropped on German industry had instead been dropped on power plants German industry would have collapsed.

Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.

It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. The tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet the tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).

German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasn't worth the effort.

A number of air crewman died of farts.(ascending to 20,000 ft. in an unpressurized aircraft causes intestinal gas to expand 300%).

The Russians destroyed over 500 German aircraft by ramming them in mid-air (they also sometimes cleared mine fields by marching over them). "It takes a brave man not to be a hero in the Red Army" - Joseph Stalin

The US Army had more ships than the US Navy.

The German Air Force had 22 infantry divisions, 2 armor divisions and 11 paratroop divisions. None of them were capable of airborne operations. The German Army had paratroops that WERE capable of airborne operations. Go figure.

When the US Army landed in North Africa, among the equipment brought ashore was 3 complete Coca-Cola bottling plants.

Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for The German Army until the US Army captured them.

A malfunctioning toilet sank German submarine U-120.

The Graf Spee never sank. The scuttling attempt failed and the ship was bought as scrap by the British. On board was Germany's newest radar system.

One of Japan's methods of destroying tanks was to bury a very large artillery shell with only the nose exposed. When a tank came near enough a soldier would whack the shell with a hammer. "Lack of weapons is no excuse for defeat." - LtGen. Mutaguchi

Following a massive naval bombardment 35,000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska. 21 troops were killed in the fire fight. It would have been worse if there had been Japanese on the island.

The MISS ME was an unarmed Piper Cub. While spotting for the US artillery her pilot saw a similar German plane doing the same thing. He dove on the German plane and he and his co-pilot fired their pistols damaging the German plane enough that it had to make a forced landing. Whereupon they landed and took the Germans prisoner. I don't know where they put them since the MISS ME only had 2 seats.

Most members of the Waffen SS were not German.

The only nation that Germany declared war on was the USA.

During the Japanese attack on Hong Kong British officers objected to Canadian infantrymen taking up positions in the officer's mess. No enlisted men allowed you know.

Nuclear physicist Niels Bohr was rescued in the nick of time from German occupied Denmark. While Danish resistance fighters provided covering fire he ran out the back door of his home stopping momentarily to grab a beer bottle full of precious "Heavy Water". He finally reached England still clutching the bottle. Which contained beer. I suppose some German drank the Heavy Water.

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If Today's Media Reported the Battle of Midway

Midway Island Demolished. Yorktown, destroyer sunk. Many US planes lost

June 7, 1942

The United States Navy suffered another blow in its attempt to stem the Japanese juggernaut ravaging the Pacific Ocean. Midway Island, perhaps the most vital U.S. outpost, was pummeled by Japanese Naval aviators. The defending U.S. forces, consisting primarily of antique Buffalo fighters, were competely wiped out while the Japanese attackers suffered few, if any, losses.

In a nearby naval confrontation, the Japanese successfully attacked the Yorktown which was later sunk by a Japanese submarine. A destroyer lashed to the Yorktown was also sunk.

American forces claim to have sunk four Japanese carriers and the cruiser Mogami but those claims were vehemently denied by the Emporer's spokeman.

The American carriers lost an entire squadron of torpedo planes when they failed to link up with fighter escorts. The dive bombers had fighter escort even though they weren't engaged by enemy fighters. The War Dept. refused to answer when asked why the fighters were assigned to the wrong attack groups. The Hornet lost a large number of planes when they couldn't locate the enemy task force. Despite this cavalcade of errors, Admirals Fletcher and Spruance have not been removed.

Code Broken

The failure at Midway is even more disheartening because the U.S. Navy knew the Japanese were coming. Secret documents provided to the NY Times showed that "Magic" intercepts showed the Japanese planned to attack Midway, which they called "AF".

Obsolete Equipment

Some critics blamed the failure at Midway on the use of obsolete aircraft. The inappropriately named Devastator torpedo planes proved no match for the Japanese fighters. Even the Avengers, its schedule replacements, were riddled with bullets and rendered unflyable. Secretary of War Stimson dodged the question saying simply: "You go to war with the Navy you have, not the Navy you want or would like to have". Critics immediately called for his resignation.

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An American pilot who had downed a German Messerschmidt, visited the German pilot in the field hospital. Finding the fellow in pretty bad shape, the American asked if he could do anything for him.

The Nazi admitted that he did have a favour to ask. "The leg they amputated, on your next bombing run, could you drop it over Germany?"

"Sure, pal."

It was a pretty weird request, but the pilot was happy to oblige and came back to tell him the mission had been carried out.

The grateful German gasped his thanks, and another request. "The other leg got very bad, they had to cut it off. Could this, too, be dropped over my homeland? It would mean a great deal to me."

The American shrugged, but returned two days later with the news that the job was done.

"Many thanks," whispered the downed Nazi, now ashen faced and unable to lift his head from the pillow. "I have just one final request. Last night they had to amputate my right arm..."

"Now hang on just a darn minute," interrupted the American angrily. "Are you trying to escape?"

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Wooden Airfield

An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. Early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

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Did You Know?

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

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Then and Now: Military Service Compared, World War II and Today.

1945- Rifles were made of wood and steel, shot a .30 caliber bullet that killed the enemy.
Now- Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .22 caliber bullet that wounds the enemy.

1945- The winning side used a US made .45 Caliber pistol, the losers a European 9mm.
Now- We use a European 9mm pistol. Nobody uses the .45.

1945- If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Now- If you smoke, you are sent outside and are treated like a leper.

1945- If you said "damn," people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.
Now- If you say "damn" you better be talking about a hydroelectric plant.

1945- NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
Now- Everyone has an Internet computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945- We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
Now- We put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945- If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
Now- If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab and ruin your whole career.

1945- You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
Now- You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you are out of ammo.

1945- Canteens were made out of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
Now- Canteens are made of plastic. You can't heat anything in them and they always taste like plastic.

1945- Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect.
Now- Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.

1945- They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Now- They collect our pee and analyze it.

1945- If you don't act right, the commander might put you in the stockade till you straighten up.
Now- If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

1945- Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
Now- Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.

1945- You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.
Now- You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.

1945- You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
Now- You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.

1945- We defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
Now- We can't even beat Iraq or Yugoslavia.

1945- If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec. Center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
Now- You go to the Community Center and can still play pool.

1945- If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO or Officers Club.
Now- The beer will cost you $1.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945- You could buy quartermaster gas tax free because it was on a military reservation.
Now- AAFES charges you the tax but pockets the money themselves because it is on a military reservation.

1945-The PX had bargains for GI's who didn't make much money.
Now- You can get better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart.

1945- If a general wanted to make a presentation he scribbled some notes down and a corporal prepared a bunch of charts.
Now- The general prepares his own charts, spending hours usnig Power Point.

1945- We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
Now- We are wearing the Nazi helmets.

1945- We called the enemy things like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
Now- We call the enemy things like "opposing forces" and "aggressors" so we won't offend them.

1945- Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.
Now- Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

1945- If you killed an enemy soldier, you could bring home his rifle as a trophy.
Now- If you bring home anything at all as a trophy you get a court martial.

1945- A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
Now- A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945- After the war, you could buy your own rifle from the government, cheap.
Now- You can't be trusted with your own rifle, and you'll be jailed if you ever get one.

1945- Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
Now- Wars are planned and run by politicians with lots of important panty raids.

1945- We knew we were fighting for freedom. The country was committed to winning.
Now- We don't know what we are fighting for.

1945- All you could think of was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
Now- All you can think of is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

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How many gears did the Italian tanks have in WW2?

Five, 4 for driving backwards and 1 for driving forwards in case the enemy attacks from behind!

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From a Russian document:

"one of the serious problems in planning against American doctrine is that the Americans do not read their manuals nor do they feel any obligations to follow their doctrine."

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World War II humor

It's the waning days of WWII, and two snuffies are pulling guard duty on the motor pool. It's just coming dawn, and one joe decided it's light enough to smoke, and pulls out a cigarette. He shuffles through his pockets, but can't find any c-rat matches. His buddy is out, too. Looking around, he spots a lone figure watching the sunrise. He walks over and say, "Hey, mac, got a light?".

The figure quietly produces a Zippo and lights his smoke. With a "Thanks, mac", the soldier walks back over to his buddy.

His buddy is stupified. "Don't you know who that is? That's _Patton_!".

The first soldiers hurried field strips his butt and rushes back over to the figure, renders a parade ground rifle salute and starts stammering an apology for his lack of military courtesy. Patton replies,

"That's okay, son. Just don't do that to a second lieutenant"

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World War II humor

In a P.O.W. camp in Germany, a German guard said to an English prisoner, "Swine!!"

The Englishman acknowledged, "Smith."

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World War II humor

On a street corner in London, 1942:

A gentleman walked up to a soldier and asked, "Pardon me, sir, which side is the War Ministry on ?"

"Ours, I hope."

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Quote from a German general officer:

"The reason that the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices chaos on a daily basis."

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During World War II the Little Moron was drafted into the U. S. Army. He went to Fort Benning for basic training. His blunders resulted in frequent KP duties. In the company's kitchen, his sergeant noticed yet another peculiar behavior.

Sergeant: "Hey, you little moron, why are you saluting that refrigerator?"

LM: "Sir, I thought it was General Electric, sir."

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A general and a young sergeant boarded a train in Germany during the occupation after the war. They occupied a compartment with a grandmother and her 16 year old granddaughter. All sat in complete silence for a great while.

The train went through a long, dark tunnel; there was the sound of a resounding kiss, then the sound of a resounding smack followed by complete silence, and then the train emerged from the tunnel and all sat in complete silence as before.

The grandmother thought, "That young soldier tried to kiss my granddaughter and she slapped him. Good for her!"

The granddaughter thought, "That soldier tried to kiss me, missed and kissed my grandmother and she slapped him. Good for her!"

The general thought, "That sergeant tried to kiss that young girl. She tried to slap him, but she missed and slapped me!"

The sergeant thought, "Such a day is never to be expected! Kiss the back of your hand, slap hell out of a general, and get away with it!"

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From the German Army Hand-Book:

The soldier is allowed to begin swimming without a special order of his seargant if the depth of the water he is marching in is more than half a meter.

(And this is no joke!)

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Mechanic

During World War II, a mechanic was making a routine test flight with a bomber that accidently drifted off course and over enemy territory. The plane was shot down and the mechanic taken prisoner.

Not knowing his area of expertise, the prison camp leader placed him in charge of the chickens. Every day he would collect scraps of metal and wood and, eventually, he constructed a certified engine and a pair of wings.

One morning when the officers called roll they found he had attached the wings and engine to the chicken shed and flown the coop.

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Private Larry

Private Larry Lasterfitz was always last. He was last to hear about pretty much everything. He was last in his high school class. When World War II started, Larry was last in line to enlist. The army recruiter handed Larry clothes that were too baggy, a helmet that wouldn't fit, and a wooden rifle. "Sorry, all the real ones are gone. We'll get you a new one ASAP."

Larry went to the shooting range the first day, armed with his fake rifle. His Drill Instructor looked at his weapon and told him to pretend he was shooting the target. Larry began to just point the wooden rifle at the target and said "BAM! BAM!"

Larry was shipped off to Germany, but he didn't get his real rifle. He got to Germany unarmed. His unit was ordered to attack a German-held villiage. When they arrived, Larry was still equiped with his wooden rifle. The Germans started shooting. Larry yelled to his commander, "SIR! What do I do?"

The man turned back and said, "Do what they told you in training."

Larry, not having much else to do, pointed his fake gun and quietly said, "BAM!" A machine gun nest suddenly went silent. Larry muttered it again. Suddenly, Germans were fleeing. "WOW! This thing really works!" Larry fearlessly charges the Germans, and starts to beat them back. His commander is quite impressed, and orders him to lead another charge.

Running down a street, Larry saw a man coming at him slowly and unarmed. He aimed his wooden rifle and said, "BAM!" The man didn't fall; instead, he began to move faster towards Larry. Larry panicked, and started yelling "BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!" loudly, but to no avail. Finally, Larry noticed the German was saying something. The German soldier closed in when Larry realized what he was saying and that he was outmatched. He ran.

The German continued slowly down the street, saying "Tankity-tank tank tank. Tankity-tank tank tank."

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COMMUNICATIONS SECURITY

"My father was a communications man in the war," said a boy to another. "And he was a great hero."

"Really?"

"Yes, to keep the enemy from getting a very secret message he ate the carrier-pigeon."

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Hitler and the Pig

Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address.

Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with the car.

Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he's done asks Hitler what they should do, and Hitler tells him impatiently that they're in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later.

All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.

Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road.

Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor.

Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I've ever tasted and then sent me on my way."

Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "Well what exactly did you tell them?"

To which the chauffeur replied "I really can't understand it either, all I did was tell them I'm Hitler's Chauffeur, and I killed the pig."

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Quote from a German general officer:

"The reason that the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices chaos on a daily basis."

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Submitted By Unknown

During World War II, selective service wasn't always so selective. My nearsighted friend went before the draft board to explain just how poor his vision was.

"If I were to lose my glasses, I wouldn't be able to see at all," he told them.

"Don't you worry," replied the sergeant in charge. "When we attack, we'll stick you in front of the battalion. You won't miss a thing."

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During World War II a Little Moron was drafted into the U. S. Army. He went to Fort Benning for basic training. His blunders resulted in frequent KP duties. In the company's kitchen, his sergeant noticed yet another peculiar behavior.

Sergeant: "Hey, you little moron, why are you saluting that refrigerator?"

LM: "Sir, I thought it was General Electric, sir."

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An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

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A True Story from Afghanistan

So we are up in the mountains at about 0100 hrs looking for a bad guy that we thought was in the area. Here are ten of us, pitch black, crystal clear night, about 25 degrees. We know there are bad guys in the area, a few shots have been fired but no big deal. We decide that we need air cover and the only thing in the area is a solo B-1 bomber.

He flies around at about 20,000 feet and tells us there is nothing in the area. He then asks if we would like a low level show of force.

Stupid question. Of course we tell him yes.

The controller who is attached to the team then is heard talking to the pilot. Pilot asks if we want it subsonic or supersonic.

Very stupid question.

Pilot advises he is twenty miles out and stand by. The controller gets us all sitting down in a line and points out the proper location. You have to picture this. Pitch black, ten killers sitting down, dead quiet and overlooking this about 30 mile long valley.

All of a sudden, way out (below our level) you see a set of four 200' white flames coming at us. The controller says, "Ah-- guys-- you might want to plug your ears".

Faster than you can think a B-1, supersonic, 1000' over our heads, blasts the sound barrier and it feels like God just hit you in the head with a hammer. He then stands it straight up with 4 white trails of flame coming out and disappears.

Cost of gas for that: Probably $50,000

Hearing damage: For certain

Bunch of ragheads thinking twice about shooting at us: Priceless.

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Modern Military Terms

Engage the Enemy means "to blow something up."

Surgical Strike means "to blow up something small."

Decapitate means "to blow up their leaders."

Collateral Damage means "to accidentally blow up something of theirs."

Friendly Fire means "to accidentally blow up something of ours."

Target of Opportunity means "to blow something up on a whim"

Kinetic Targeting means "to blow up something that's moving"

Ordnance is "something that that does the blowing up"

An Asset is "something that can be blown up"

Embedded Media means "a report that's blown out of proportion"

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REAL SERGEANTS:

1. Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word.

2. Have a spine.

3. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument.

4. Can see in the Dark.

5. Have eyes in the back of their heads.

6. Still don't trust the Russians.

7. Still hate the French.

8. Don't know how to be politically correct.

9. Don't give a damn about being politically correct.

10. Think that "politically correct" should fall under S### in the UCMJ.

11. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work."

12. Can run 5 miles with a hangover.

13. Do not fear women in the military.

14. Would like to date G. I. Jane.

15. Still know how to use a buffer.

16. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M1911A1 although they are no longer in the inventory.

17. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.

18. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne.

19. Don't know how to use a "stress card".

20. Idolize John Wayne.

21. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander".

22. CENSORED

23. Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned.

24. Really don't like taking S### from those who haven't "been there".

25. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.

26. CENSORED

27. CENSORED

28. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked twice.

29. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.

30. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4.

31. Don't believe a darn thing the Iraqis say.

32. Don't need a GPS to find themselves.

33. Have enough BDU's in their closet to start a surplus store.

34. Think that MRE's taste good (with a little hot sauce).

35. Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works.

36. Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the chow line.

37. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing.

38. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it.

39. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16.

40. Know that inept leaders will always say they have inept soldiers.

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West Point Jokes

Q: Why do West Point graduates hang their diplomas from the rear view mirror?

A: To justify their handicap parking.

Q: Do you know why the Army football team should change its name to the "Opposums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: Why doesn't Army have ice on the sidelines during games?

A: The guy with the recipe graduated.

Q. What do you get when you drive slowly by the Military Academy campus?

A. A degree.

Q: What do a Navy Midshipman and a West Point Cadet have in common?

A: They both got accepted to West Point.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a West Point Cadet?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Navy is playing Army, which has a first down with three minutes left in the half. An Army fan sets off a firecracker, and Navy, thinking it's the end of the half, runs off the field. Three plays later, Army punts.

The Army football coach gave his team a few days off. Several decided to go down to Panama City Beach for fun and relaxation. Coach Sutton saw the players the first day back at practice and asked about their vacation.

"Not good coach," said the players. "We never made it to the beach."

"Why not," the coach asked, "car trouble?"

"No," they replied, "every few miles down the interstate we saw signs that said, 'Exit, Clean Restrooms'. You have no idea how many restrooms we cleaned between West Point and Panama City."

The Annapolis grad walked into the bar, sat down and said, "Hey barkeep, you hear the joke about the four West Point players in a farmhouse?"

Chairs scraped behind him, and four of the biggest, meanest guys in the bar stood up. "We played for Army. You sure you wanna tell that joke?"

The Navy grad smirked in disbelief and said, "What, and have to explain it four times?"

Q: How many West Point plebes does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a second year course.

Did you hear that Army just bought twenty new septic tanks? Yeah, and Army coach Bob Sutton says as soon as they learn to drive them, they're gonna invade Annapolis.

Q: How many Air Force Cadets does it take to change a flat tire?

A: Three, two to go for beer and one to call daddy.

Q: How many Navy Midshipmen does it take to change a flat tire?

A: Five, one to change the tire and four to lament how wonderful the old tire was.

Q: How many Army Cadets does it take to change a tire?

A: Just one, but he gets four hours credit and it counts as a lab science!

Q: What are the best four years of a West Pointer's life?

A: Third grade

An Army football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Thank God the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it.

Q: How come the Army football team doesn't have a website?

A: They can't string three "W's" together.

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Camouflage Ink Blot Test




What do you see? What would Freud have to say about what you see? Our theory is that the guy that painted this camouflage scheme had been staring at the back of a semi-truck for too long.

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The Pirate Story

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop!"

"It was my first day with the hook."

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"Need a lift?"

While serving as America's ambassador in Moscow, Averell Harriman (1891-1986) was shadowed everywhere by secret police. One wintry weekend, Harriman, invited to visit a British diplomat at his country estate, kindly advised his shadows that the property was only accessible by means of a four-wheel-drive vehicle. Nonetheless, the police set off after Harriman's jeep in a standard-issue sedan.

Sure enough, they soon became bogged down and an agent was dispatched on foot. First, Harriman had the jeep slow down so the man could keep up. He soon became concerned that the man would freeze to death, however, and stopped the jeep to offer him a ride, promising not to tell his superiors. The man accepted, and ambassador and policeman rode together for the remainder of the journey.

---

The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.

---

Two guys are approaching each other on the sidewalk and both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one looks at the other knowingly, points to his right foot and says, "Land mine, Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb over his shoulder and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back, lookout."

---

A squad of recruits went out to the rifle range for a try at markmanship. At two hundred yards, they fired. All missed. There wasn't a hit at a hundred yards. Or fifty. Finally the sergeant yelled, "Fix bayonets and charge! It's your only chance!"

---

Three Generals, an American, an Englishman and an Israeli are indulging in a bit of boasting after a big meeting.

The American says, "One of my ancestors signed the Declaration of Independence."

The Englishman says, "That's nothing. One of my ancestors was present at the signing of the Magna Carta."

The Israeli quietly says, "You think that's something? One of my ancestors drew up the Ten Commandments."

---

A guy was walking down a street when he saw an Afghan friend standing on a fifth-floor balcony shaking a carpet.

He shouted up to him: "What's up, Abdul? Won't it start?"

---

Submitted By Unknown

Our elementary school was honoring local veterans. The students were a bit intimidated and didn't know how to approach them.

"Start by introducing yourself," I said, "Then ask what branch of the military they served in."

One student walked over to a vet and promptly asked, "What tree are you from?"

---

The Iranian Ambassador to the United Nations met George W. Bush on a recent visit to New York. At the end of his stay, the ambassador turned to Bush and said:

"I have just one question about what I have seen in America. My son watches this show called Star Trek, and in it there is Chekov, who is Russian, Scottie, who is Scottish, and Sulu, who is Chinese, but there are no Arabs. My son is very upset and does not understand why there are not any Iranians in Star Trek."

Bush smiled: "That's because if takes place in the future."

---

Old drill sergeant's order to young recruits: "Wipe that opinion right off your faces."

---

1st Roman Soldier: "What is the time?"

2nd Roman Soldier: "XX past VII"

---

Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach in the pouring rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's it like?"

The other snarls, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."

---

A UK Army helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door.

"Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers.

She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

---

The Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it ?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his Vice President the same question.

"Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

---

(Asked shortly before a tour to Vietnam if he was worth 50 million dollars)

"If I had $50 million, I wouldn't go to Vietnam; I'd send for it."
(Bob Hope)

---

Submitted By Unknown

"Chow looks wonderful," I told the mess sergeant, a large, intimidating man. "I'd love seconds."

"You'll get the same as everyone else," he growled as he chucked food on my tray. "Now move it!"

After finishing the edible portion of my meal, I dumped the rest in the garbage, accidentally tossing out my silverware. While leaning into the trash can to look for my knife and fork, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the mess sergeant.

"It's all right, son," he said. "You can grab seconds."

---

Submitted By Unknown

When my father was in boot camp, the troops were instructed to put their belongings in their footlockers, write their last names and first initials on the containers and report back for inspection. A few minutes later, the commanding officer, after having seen my father's locker emblazoned with his last name 'Locke' and his first initial 'R,' furiously bellowed, "Okay, who's the wise guy!?!?"

---

Submitted By Unknown

Our friend tells everyone that he began losing his hair while serving in Vietnam. His granddaughter incorporated that information into her grade school history report on the war. She wrote, "My Grandpa went to Vietnam and got his hair shot off."

---

Go figure!

A sign you may see at a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

---

The General was annoyed with his driver for taking so long to pick him up. He turned on the driver. "Flaherty, could you not have got here any faster?"

"Sure I could have, sir, but you know we are supposed to stay with the jeep."

---

Submitted By Unknown

I was attending a benefit, and before the show began, I walked up to a man wearing fatigues. "I just want to thank you for your service to our country," I told him.

He looked thoroughly confused, but I walked away knowing I'd done the right thing. Later, when my soldier took the stage along with a police officer, a construction worker, and a Native American, it dawned on me why he'd had a puzzled expression, I had thanked a member of the Village People.

---

Submitted By Unknown

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained.

When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad as it used to be?"

"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking there."

---

Submitted By Unknown

I was pulling guard duty during a military exercise in Norway when a pair of British officers drove up. With my Canadian Army insignia covered by my parka, they assumed I was Norwegian. As they drove off, I heard the driver say, "Her English was quite good."

"Yes" agreed the passenger. "Now all she has to do is lose that frightful accent."

---

"The equipment...among the most vital to our success in Africa and Europe were the bulldozer, the jeep, the 2 1/2 ton truck, and the C-47 airplane. Curiously enough, none of these is designed for combat."
(Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower)

---

Submited By Unknown

My neighbor, Tom, a former high-school halfback, came home from combat duty in Afghanistan. He was excited to tell me that his unit had played a makeshift game of football.

"Just don't tell my mom," he begged. "If she knew I was playing football she'd worry that I might reinjure my knee."

---

John Kerry's physical daring...as a skier, a windsurfer, a motorcycle rider, a stunt pilot...remains a source of wonder among his friends. He was, apparently, something of a cowboy in Vietnam as well. His old crewmates remember that he played rock music over the boat's loudspeaker system - the Doors, the Stones, Jimi Hendrix - before they went on patrol.

"He starred in that Marlon Brando movie, Apocalypse Now, long before they ever made it," Gene Thorson, a former crewmate, says.

To release the tension after a trip up the river, Kerry would often instigate chicken races between the swift boats, cutting over each other's wakes. He also organized water-balloon battles. Once, his three-boat squadron attacked an American supply ship at night with flares.

"The brass was not too happy about that," Kerry recalled. "But what were they going to do to us, send us to Vietnam?"

---

Submitted By Unknown

When my eight-year-old sister came to visit, I took a day off from my job at the Pentagon and showed her the Lincoln Memorial. There she saw a large block of text - 273 words long - etched into the monument.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Lincoln's Gettysburg Address," I told her.

"If that's his address, how does he get any mail?"

---

Submitted By Unknown

Before he was deployed to Afghanistan, my brother Ken was lamenting over how many people seemed unaware of the conflict. I had to concede his point when I later mentioned to a neighbor that he was leaving for Afghanistan.

"Really?" he said. "For business or pleasure?"

---

Submitted By Unknown

Flashlights used by my National Guard unit can withstand almost anything. And to prove it, they come with a lifetime warranty.

Nevertheless, nothing is indestructible, which is why the warranty also cautions, "Void with shark bites, bear attacks and children under the age of five."

---

Submitted By Unknown

In the Guard...

I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly- assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter that escorts cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California's Bay Area. But what my father told his friend was, "She's involved in some sort of escort service."

---

The history class was studying the Revolutionary battle of Saratoga, which was lost probably because General William Howe chose to remain in Philadelphia. When the teacher asked the class to explain this major British defeat, a student quipped, "Lack of no Howe."

---

During the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln was asked by a gentleman for a pass to Richmond, the Confederate capital. The President replied.

"I would oblige you, but I have given passes to two hundred and fifty thousand men to go to Richmond, and not one has got there yet."

---

Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka- boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away -- ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye!

"I've got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. The young Bosnian is lioni zed as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

---

While attending a briefing on NATO nuclear planning in Luxembourg in March 1985, Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger was asked why America had invited Australia to participate in a research program for a strategic defense system...and neglected to invite New Zealand. Weinberger had a ready reply:

"We didn't have the address."

---

Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station.

"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.

"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."

---

Civil War hero Ulysses S. Grant wasn't really U.S. Grant. His given name was Hiram Ulysses Grant. As a young man he felt humiliated by the initials HUG, so he switched his names around to Ulysses Hiram Grant.

The congressman who nominated him to West Point wrote his name wrong on the application, as Ulysses Simpson Grant. The young cadet liked those initials, and so did the Union in years to come.

---

A famous war hero when he became president in 1869, General Ulysses S. Grant demanded "military punctuality" at mealtime. But when relaxed at private family dinners, Grant had a habit of rolling his bread into tiny balls or "cannons" and shooting them as ammunition at his four laughing children.

---

"My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize."

(Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Ga.) expressing concern during a congressional hearing that the presence of a large number of American soldiers might upend the island of Guam)

---

PowerPoint Quotes

"Despite the level of cadet complaints about the "Death by PowerPoint" phenomena, I have found that they (cadets) are quite willing to inflict this upon their colleagues." -
LTC J.B. USMA Faculty

"PowerPoint presentations are a new form of anesthesia and torture. They were even used at the Abu Ghraib Prison."
- Anonymous

"His knowledge on that topic is only PowerPoint deep."
- MAJ (JS)

"PPT is a triumph of process over product. Knowing what you are doing is more important than getting the right answer."
- Tom Lehrer

"I recently exchanged comments with someone on a similar briefing (earlier version?). I told him that Power Point briefings do nothing but obfuscate. If you cannot explain what you are doing in three pages of text, you are BSing. That's what the slide show is: BS."
- Senior Army Officer

"The genius of it is that it was designed for any idiot to use. I learned it in a few hours."
- David Byrne formerly of the Talking Heads

"Power corrupts and PowerPoint corrupts absolutely."
- Vint Cerf Internet pioneer

"My belief is that PowerPoint doesn't kill meetings. People kill meetings."
- Peter Norvig Google, Inc.

"Using PowerPoint is like having a loaded AK-47 on the table: You can do very bad things with it."
- Peter Norvig

"If your words or images are not on point, making them dance in color won't make them relevant."
- Edward Tufte Professor Emeritus, Yale University

"PowerPoint presentations too often resemble a school play - very loud, very slow, and very simple."
- Edward Tufte

"PowerPoint is designed for making a slide show a little more attractive with images and text that move, but when an idiot makes them all move, interest is lost."
- Anonymous

"You can't speak with the U.S. military without knowing PowerPoint."
- Margaret Hayes National Defense University

"Shelton's order is only the Pentagon's most recent assault on a growing electronic menace: the PowerPoint briefing."
- Anonymous

"The idea behind most of these briefings is for us to sit through 100 slides with our eyes glazed over, and then to do what all military organizations hope for ... to surrender to an overwhelming mass."
- Richard Danzig Navy Secretary

"Navy Secretary Danzig announced late last year that he was no longer willing to soldier through the slide shows. He maintains that PowerPoint briefings are only necessary for two reasons: If field conditions are changing rapidly or if the audience is 'functionally illiterate.'"
- Anonymous

"The PowerPoint syndrome isn't just the misuse of specific technology. It's a cultural disease."
- Giancarlo Livraghi

"We had 12.9 gigabytes of (Microsoft) PowerPoint slides on our network. And I thought, 'What a huge waste of corporate productivity.' So we banned it. And we've had three unbelievable record-breaking fiscal quarters since we banned PowerPoint. Now, I would argue that every company in the world, if they would just ban PowerPoint, would see their earnings skyrocket. Employees would stand around going, 'What do I do? Guess I've got to go to work.'"
- Scott McNealy Sun Microsystems, quoted in the San Jose Mercury News, January 27, 1997

"Funny. I always thought that PowerPoint was already at least as destructive as macro viruses to corporate productivity. You ever watch a suit fiddle with his presentation?"
- CmdrTaco

"One of the criticisms that's been raised about PowerPoint is that it can give the illusion of coherence and content when there really isn't very much coherence or content."
- Edward Miller

"At a place like IBM, there's an infinite world of products that you can create. But, too often, management would say, "Great, you big-idea guys, go go go." But then they give all the money to the people who control the revenue streams, the people with the overhead projectors and PowerPoint slides."
- Ted Selker

"Flash is the PowerPoint of the internet."
- Anonymous

"My plan for improving the quality of presentations used to be two-fold: DESTROY EVERY COPY OF POWERPOINT (and assorted functional clones) in existence, and GIVE OFFENDERS REMEDIAL "HOW TO TALK" CLASSES, emphasizing the content-based logical mark-up portions of HTML as a mechanism for making slides. (The hardcore hopeless cases would be forced to learn TeX.)"
- John S. Jacobs Anderson

"The 'PowerPoint syndrome' is a well known disease, clearly diagnosed not only by brilliant cartoonists such as Scott Adams, but also in a variety of analyses of corporate efficiency and communication. It's called 'disinfotainment.'"
- Giancarlo Livraghi

---

A Plane to Fear



At 11:50 AM on May 11th, a Cessna 150 aircraft, because it was lost, entered the "forbidden zone" around the While House. Such aircraft are not supposed to fly within 25 kilometers of the White House (which is close to many other important government buildings in downtown Washington.) The intruding aircraft kept coming, but not at maximum speed. The nightmare scenario has a faster, twin engine, aircraft, piloted by a suicide bomber and carrying about 500 pounds of explosives. This gives you the equivalent, in destructive power, of a Tomahawk cruise missile. Such aircraft are fast enough to breach the no-fly zone and hit the White House in eight minutes. The government recently released details of this incident, including the times various events took place.

Normally, a small civilian aircraft can fly fast enough that there is not enough time to get F-16s into the air and in position for an interception. There are said to be Stinger crews in the White House (or personnel trained to use Stingers.) But firing the Stinger from the White House is a tricky business, as there is less than a minute between the time the approaching aircraft comes into range and it hits the White House (unless the missile takes out an engine and forces the aircraft to land somewhere else.) There are some UH-60s stationed in the area, with people on board armed with M-16 assault rifles. These choppers can be airborne in minutes. These choppers intercept several aircraft a week that have entered the no-fly zone. But these helicopters are there mainly to protect the White House from Congress (as in "what are you doing about all these unauthorized aircraft over Washington.")

The helicopters could also be equipped with Sidewinder air-to-air missiles. The Sidewinder has a range of six kilometers and has been mounted on helicopters for years. U.S. Army Avenger systems (a hummer armed with Stinger, a .50 caliber machinegun, radar and laser range finder) have been seen in the area, as well as Stinger missile teams. The Stinger has a range of only 4.5 kilometers. Effective range of the .50 caliber machine-gun is more like two kilometers. There could also be teams of snipers equipped with .50 caliber rifles (firing armor, or engine block, piercing incendiary bullets). These could also take down one of these aircraft, or at least disable the engines and ruin the attackers aim.

Before you can knock down a suicide aircraft, you have to be able to track the intruder, and if the pilot comes in at tree-top level, that will be difficult. Flying like that within the DC area suburbs is also dangerous, for there are numerous office parks within that area, many with buildings over a hundred feet high. But the no-fly zone is 1800 square kilometers, and each Stinger team is only covering about 14 square kilometers. The Avenger can move around, if it doesn't get stuck in traffic, but is unlikely to be able to cover more than a kilometer (or two) a minute, while trying to get in position for a shot. Because of their short range, the Stingers could only be used as a last line of defense, and would probably be stationed within 5-10 kilometers of the White House. While the attacker could further complicate the situation by coming in at night, this makes it more likely to collide with some high rise obstacle that is not well lit.

The May 11th intruder was traveling slow enough to allow the UH-60s helicopters and F-16s to get airborne and intercept. The helicopters were next to the aircraft in about ten minutes, while the F-16 showed up about five minutes later. At the same time, five minutes after noon, someone on the ground finally made contact with the intruding aircraft, and got it to turn around. The F-16 was ready to fire a missile at the civilian aircraft, and the helicopter was pulling away to allow that.

But a faster civilian aircraft could have made it to the White House in under eight minutes. Air defense above Washington DC is still a risky, and unpredictable, business.

---

A recent commercial for HK pistols, which emphasized reliability. Note, however, that the bullets have been put into the magazine backwards. This is unlikely to contribute to reliability, at least if you are trying to shoot something.

---

A Medal for Horatius A Medal for Horatius

The True Story (By Colonel W C Hall, printed in the British Army Journal January 1953.)

Rome, II Calends, April CCCLX

SUBJECT: Recommendation for Senate Medal of Honor

TO: Department of War, Republic of Rome

I. Recommend Caius Horatius, Captain of Foot, CMCMXIV, for the Senate Medal of Honor.

II. Captain Horatius has served XVI years, all honorable.

III. On the II day of March, during the attack on the city by Lars Porsena of Clausium and his Tuscan Army of CMX men, Captain Horatius, with Sergeant Sporius Laritus and Corporal Julius Herminius, held the entire Tuscan army at the far end of the bridge, until the structure could be destroyed, thereby saving the city.

IV. Captain Horatius did valiantly fight and kill one Major Picus of Clausium in individual combat.

V. The exemplary courage and the outstanding leadership of Captain Horatius are in the highest tradition of the Roman Army.

---------- JULIUS ANTINOUS,

Commander, II Foot Legion

Ist, Ind, AG IV Calends, April CCCLX

TO: G-III

For comment.

----------

G.C.

IInd Ind, G-III IX Calends, May CCC

TO: G-II

I. For comment and forwarding.

II. Change end of paragraph III from "saving the city" to "lessened the effectiveness of the enemy attack." The Roman Army was well dispersed tactically; the reserve has not been committed. The phrase as written might be construed to cast aspersions on our fine army.

III. Change paragraph V from "outstanding leadership" to read "commendable initiative." Captain Horatius's command was II men, only I/IV of a squad.

----------

J.D.

IIId Ind, G-II II Ides, June CCCLX

TO: G-I

I. Omit strength of Tuscan forces in paragraph III. This information is classified.

II. A report evaluated as B-II states that the officer was a Captain Picus of Tifernum. Recommend change to "an officer of the enemy forces."

----------

J.H.

IVth Ind, G-I IX Ides, January CCCLXI

TO: JAG

I. Full name is Caius Claudius Horatius.

II. Change service from XVI to XV years. One year in Romulus Chapter BPOE, has been given credit for military service in error.

----------

E.J.

Vth Ind, JAG II, February CCCLXI

TO: AG

I. The Porsena raid was not during wartime; the temple of Janus was closed.

II. The action against the Porsena raid, ipso facto, was a police action.

III. The Senate Medal of Honor cannot be awarded in peacetime (AB/CVIII-XXV, paragraph XII, C).

IV. Suggest consideration for Soldier's Medal.

----------

P.B.

VIth Ind, AF IV Calends, April CCCLXI

TO: G-I

Concur in paragraph IV, Vth Ind.

----------

L.J.

VIIth Ind, G-I I May CCCLXI

TO: AG

Soldier's medal is given for saving lives; suggest star of bronze as appropriate.

----------

E.J.

VIIIth Ind, JAG II Calends, June CCCLXI

TO: JAG

>For opinion.

----------

G.C.

IXth Ind, JAG II Calends, September CCCLXI

I. XVIII months have elapsed since event described in basic letter. Star of bronze cannot be awarded after XV months have elapsed.

II. Officer is eligible for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.

----------

P.B.

X Ind, AG I Calends, October CCCLXI

TO: G-I

For draft of citation for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.

----------

P.B.

XI Ind, G-I III Calends, October CCCLXI

TO: G-II

I. Do not concur.

II. Our currently fine relations with Tuscany would suffer and current delicate negotiations might be jeopardized if publicity were given to Captain Horatius' actions at this time.

----------

T.J.

XII Ind, G-II VI November CCCLXI

TO: G-I

A report rated D-IV, partially verified, states that Lars Porsena is very sensitive about the Horatius affair.

----------

E.T.

XIIIth Ind, G-I X November CCCLXI

TO: AG

I. In view of information contained in preceding XI and XIII the endorsements, you will prepare immediate orders of Captain C. C. Horatius to one of our overseas stations (remote).

II. His attention will be directed to paragraph XII, POM, which prohibits interviews or conversations with newsmen prior to arrival at final destination.

L.T.

----------

Rome II Calends, I April CCCLXII

SUBJECT: Survey, Report of, Department of War

TO: Captain Caius Caius Horatius, III Legion, V Phalanx, APO XIX, C/O Postmaster, Rome.

I. Your statements concerning the loss of your shield and sword in the Tiber River of III March CCCLX have been carefully considered.

II. It is admitted that you were briefly in action against certain unfriendly elements on that day. However, Sergeant Lartius and Corporal Herminius were in the same action and did not lose any government property.

III. The Finance Officer has been directed to reduce your next pay by II-I/IV talents (I-III/IV talents cost on each sword, officers; III/IV talent cost of one each shield, M-II).

IV. You are enjoined and admonished to pay strict attention to conservation of government funds and property. The budget must be balanced next year.

H. MARCUS AURELIUS

Lieutenant of Horse

Survey Officer

SIMPLE PROBLEM

The tactics instructor was putting a group of cadets through a tactical problem:

"Cadet Blimps," he asked sternly, "If you were on a mounted reconnaissance patrol as a patrol leader and sighted an enemy patrol pursuing you along at sixty miles an hour, what would you do?"

The cadet smiled at such a simple problem, "Ninety miles an hour," he replied briefly.

---

SECURITY RISK

The Security Officer reported to the commander: "I think, sir, Sergeant Morrison should be discharged from service as unreliable for security reasons."

"Why, he is only a cook?" asked the commander.

"Yes, but he's taken to the habit of spilling beans too often."

---

Recipe for Success in War on Terrorism

Begin with a spark of Righteous Anger.

Then whip up a generous helping of Indigenous Forces

(Northern Alliance is an excellent brand)

and add in equal parts of Devastating Air Power from the Navy & Air Force.

Throw in a dash of Special Forces & Marines, flavored with bravery and elan.

Sprinkle with Smart Weapons and then filter with Solid Intelligence.

Spread it all on a base of Deep Public Support and Bold Presidential Leadership.

Heat to a boil to separate the terrorists from the innocents and maintain heat until terrorists evaporate.

Inject Diplomatic Wisdom to suit taste and then let cool until a new government forms.

---

It must be discouraging to:

-Go to a costume party dressed as a pirate and see Mullah Omar over by the punch bowl.

-Attempt to imagine the cloud shapes look like imaginary animals and realize they all look like side by side snakes

-Find out your enemy's bombs are smarter than you are.

-Realize the "rules of engagement" allow for free agency.

- Find out that the demise of your military commander didn't make things any worse than they were before.

-Literally have to "head for the hills."

-Learn that a real "magic carpet" is loud, explosive, and falls from the sky.

-Find out that an AC-130 doesn't aim at you. It just has to aim at your Province.

-Hear your commander yell, "Mohammed, attack that line," and see half of your battalion stand up at the same time looking confused.

-Hear your commander yell, "Abdulah, attack that line," and see the other half of your battalion stand up.

-Develop a chaffing around your forehead from the Holiday Inn monogram.

-Realizing that when someone said that the enemy smoked your camels you think he meant your cigarettes, but was trying to tell you that you have to walk to the next town.

-Witness a bomb the size of a Volkswagon fall on your position, not go off, and still annihilate your platoon.

-Witness a bomb the size of a Volkswagon fall on your position, go off, and annihilate a platoon down the road a ways.

-Spend years training to kill infidels, attack the "Great Satan" and realize, like the one who finishes last in the Boston Marathon, you could have eaten cheeseburgers, not trained and still have been just as effective.

-Spend your last breath denigrating Jews while calling for the Taliban to fight to their deaths, only to find out that the only actor tall enough to play you in the movies is Jeff Goldblum, a Jew.

-Get assigned as a driver for an Osama bin Laden double.

-Need a new Timex watch battery in Afghanistan.

-Share a cave with a ardent fan of Blazing Saddles.

-Realize that you are the only member of your platoon that has all your limbs.

-Realize that no one in your platoon has all their limbs and your only diversion is a deck of cards.

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Microsoft Tech on the Rifle range

It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.

At the rifle range he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. "Hmmm," he thought, "I'll get to the bottom of this in no time."

He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.

"Yep, it's working," he concluded. The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, "The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

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Light bulb joke

Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.

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A DEFINITION OF WATCH STANDING

A lady who happened to be near a post asked a sentry what he was doing.

"I'm on watch, ma'am," he replied. .

"What are you watching for?" she inquired.

"My relief, ma'am."

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Historical anecdote

How to sack a divisional commander: Tewksbury, 4 May 1471.

Lord Wenlock not having advanced to the support of the first line, but remaining stationary, contrary to the expectations of Somerset, the latter, in a rage, rode up to him, reviled him, and beat his brains out with an axe.

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In the Personal Ads...

ENEMY WANTED

Mature North American Superpower seeks hostile partner for arms racing, third world conflicts, and general antagonism. Must be sufficiantly menacing to convince Congress of military financial requirements. Nuclear capablility is preferred, however non-nuclear candidates possessing significant biological/chemical warfare resources will be considered. Send note with pictures of Fleet, Air squadrons and Army to:

Chairman, Joint Cheifs of Staff
The Pentagon
Washington D.C.
United States of America

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The General and the shredder....

A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 P.M. he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

"Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.

"Now," says the General, "I just need one copy..."

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Humor relating to Iraq

The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:

1. Engage the enemy.

2. Draw him into your territory.

3. Wait until winter sets in.

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The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as:

If it doesn't move, hide behind it.

If it does move, surrender to it.

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Iraqi Air Force motto:

I came I saw Iran

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You Know You have been in Iraq too long when. ...

When mortars land near your compound and you roll over in bed and think "still way off, I got another 5 minutes"

When you start humming with the Arabic song playing on the radio on the shuttle bus

Every woman that reports to your unit starts looking attractive

Every guy that reports to your unit starts looking attractive

You walk an extra 6 blocks to eat at the KBR (contractor run) dining facility to have the exact same food they are serving in your dining facility because you think it tastes better

You actually volunteer for convoy security duty because you still haven't seen the country yet

You start picturing your wife in traditional Arab dress

The contractors have more fire power than the military combat units. (This is true)

You take the time to add your lines to this list

You drink the water from the tap because you want to drop 20 pounds in two weeks

Driving around in SUVs with weapons pointed out the windows and forcing cars off the road seems very normal to you

You can put your body armor and helmet on in the dark in under 5 seconds

When the organization you work for has changed its name more than 3 times

When you can actually talk to people in the United States on a cell phone, yet you can't get people on their cell phone a block away

When you actually spend more time writing e-mail about the dog in the compound versus how to conduct the fight in Najaf

Your idea of a fun Thursday night is to go to the Palace pool to watch the State Department folks get drunk, naked and try to pick each other up

When you actually get excited to get a package that contains 3 pair of socks, 12 bars of soap and a Victoria Secret Catalog

When you start to enjoy the rocking of the trailer every time the MEDEVAC choppers fly over

You enjoy the audience commentary while watching a movie bought at Haji mart

You see celebratory fire going over the compound at night and think, "wow the colors are so pretty" and want to fire back

Your thinking of buying real estate in the green zone

You wake up and think Baghdad, I am still in @#$%^ Baghdad

You make the new guy show you his count down timer just to make you feel better about your time you have left in country

You're in the Army and you start saying Ooorah

You're in the Marines and you start saying Hooah

You're in the Navy and you realize you are in the middle of the desert, the exact opposite of being in the middle of the ocean, where one might normally find the Navy.

You're in the Air Force, and you're on the plane home because an Air Force tour is too short to have been a long Iraq tour. Ignore this list, zoomie, you won't get it.

You only notice the stench of Haji funk when its not there

You plan on removing all trees and grass in your yard when you get home so it will look more natural

You forget there are other colors than brown that can be found in places other than power point slides

The temp drops down to 102 degrees and you shiver while reaching for your Gortex jacket

You have noticed a change of season, from long, hot and dry to short, cold and wet.

When you call home and your kids ask "Who is this?"

You call home and your wife says hello Bill (your name is Sam)

When you go on R&R, you duct tape your child to the roof of your car, hand him a pellet rifle, and assign him a sector of fire for the ride to "The Olive Garden."

When you can comfortably shave and brush your teeth using bottled water, but don't mind showering in the "non-potable" local water.

While on R&R, you look out the window and find Nature, which leads you to wonder who stole your sandbags.

When some of the contractors wear their DCUs (Desert pattern camouflage uniform) more properly than some of your soldiers.

When 12 hours is a short work day

You go Battle Captains!

When, During the BUA, "DIV asked MNSTC-I for the FRAGO that MNC-I was supposed to publish, but couldn't because MNF-I hadn't weighed in, since they were too inundated with MOD and MOI war-gaming the JCCs within the ISF to square us away!" is a valid comment and generates no questions.

When you start using words like G'day mate, Cheers, and Bloody hell as part of your normal vocabulary

When you have your opinions printed in the STARS and STRIPES more than 3 times

When the palace catches fire and instead of helping to put it out you grab a bag of marshmallows and start roasting

When you step into any office and there are 6 colonels, 12 lieutenant colonels, 15 majors, and 8 captains supervising the work of 1 sergeant

When you end every phone conversation with "Out"

When you're ordered to get an air mission together on short notice because it's a "Hot priority" only to have the Major call back once he is in the air to ask "Does anyone know where I am going?"

When the weapon buyback program has become so successful that you have issued the same AK-47 to the Iraqi army 3 times

When you can actually tell the difference between the sound of an exploding car and an exploding mortar

When on R&R you tell your wife that your weapon status is Red and your looking for the clearing barrel

When on R&R you go to Church and wonder why no one is wearing body armor or carrying an automatic weapon to the service

You see an indirect fire attack take out a generator and get angry at the enemy for not hitting the one that powers your computer

You see an indirect fire attack take out an air conditioner and your vigor to fight is renewed

You yell at the FNG for shouting incoming when the rounds don't impact close enough to hit your tent with dirt

You know that you need to run inside immediately after any win of an Iraqi sports team to keep from being hit by celebratory fire

You decide for that for grins - lets take a run around Lost Lake at Camp Victory to see if we can get shot at by the sniper

You never worry about oversleeping because if the morning call to prayers doesn't wake you, the daily 0430 mortar attack will (most mornings)

The highlight of your shopping experience at the PX is to see that they got in a new shipment of Schick Tracer razor blades

When you send out your laundry and your whites become grayer, your blacks become grayer and your DCU's become grayer - makes it easier to sort loads...

You get offended by people wearing clean, pressed DCU's

You decide that it is a better course of action to pull your blankets over your head than put on your body armor during a mortar attack - the woobee will save you and at least you are comfortable

You make a contest out of seeing who can wear their uniform for more days before becoming entirely disgusted with themselves

You wonder if the fish served at dinner really was carp caught out of the Tigris or Camp Victory's lake

You find it completely acceptable to pick your nose while talking to a complete stranger or member of the opposite sex

A rocket or a mortar really isn't a big deal until the crater it leaves is big enough to trip over in the dark on the way to the latrine

You go to a social gathering and intermittent gun fire or explosions don't even cause a pause in the conversation

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The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.