Army Jokes

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NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION

An old vet who was a commo man in the Army during the last war felt that he was getting rather hard of hearing. So he decided to use some aids but the real hearing aid was too expensive and he went to a hardware store, bought some wire and put it in his ear.

"Do you hear better with that wire?" asked a friend.

"No," said the vet, "but the technical side always impresses. Friends talk louder."

AMERICAN SOLDIERS

In World War I, American soldiers were called "Doughboys".

In World War II, they were called "GIs".

In Korea, they were called "Dogfaces".

In Vietnam, they were called "Grunts".

In Desert Storm, they were called "Storm Troopers".

Today, they are called "Tali-whackers".

IMPOSSIBLE

Private Biddies appeared in his unit at last late in the night, but without his truck he was supposed to drive.

"Where is your truck?" shouted the commander.

"It's in the suburbs about two miles from here, sir," reported the driver.

"Why didn't you bring it here?"

"It's too dark there to find all the parts, sir."

After two weeks of basic training, the drill sargent lined up his troops and asked them each who they would like to spend an hour with if given the chance right now. Several soldiers answered thier mothers, their girlfreinds, etc. Then the sargent came upon a unique answer.

Sargent: "Private, who would you most like to be alone with for an hour?"

Private: "My *$*^$% recruiter, sir!"

Nuts

An Airborne Ranger goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great in that uniform!"

He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific with your spit-shined boots and beret."

The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new beret color or something? Because you are definitely distinctive!"

He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

"Hey," the Ranger calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"

"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."

General Yarborough

Special Forces General Yarborough had a way of getting your attention real quick. He would enter a theater full of troops and double-time down the aisle as the troops were called to attention. After he yelled, "As you were". he would drop and do 50 pushups and then jump up and begin speaking.

On one hot summer day on Smoke Bomb Hill, the General was talking and talking until a young buck sergeant dozed off.

"Sergeant-Major", yelled the General, "There's a sergeant sleeping in the front row".

The SGM ran to the front of the theater and reached out to shake the sergeant awake, but General Yarborough ordered.

"No Sergeant-Major, let him sleep. As long as he's asleep, he's a sergeant. When he wakes up he'll be a corporal".

NO SPOILING

Mother with her little son was visiting an exhibition of Army weapons. The son got interested in seeing an antiaircraft missile system. He asked the sergeant in charge of presentation: "What's this?"

"An AA missile."

"What's used for?"

"To shoot down planes."

"Oh," cried out the youngster, "do let me see you shoot down that plane!" and he pointed at a plane flying not far away from the place.

Addressing the sergeant the mother said severely: "Now, don't you shoot down that plane for him until he says 'please'!"

Bragging about old times

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first.

"Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

Give chocolate pudding

First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"

Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"

First soldier: "Whyever not?"

Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"

Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting

8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles

7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?

6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters

5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day

4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude"

3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center

2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island

1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"

WEIGHTY REASONS

A GI was alone in a train car. All of a sudden, a man broke in with a pistol pointed at the soldier.

"Fork out your bucks, lad," the hold-up man demanded.

The soldier answered in a weak voice and obviously trembling in his shoes: "I haven't got any. All's left in the bar."

"Then why in hell are you shaking like donkey's tail?" asked the gangster with contempt.

"I thought you are a MP and I haven't got a pass either!"

DIAGNOSIS

"You've got a touch of pneumonia," said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.

"Are you sure, sir?" queried one worried man. "I have known people in civvy street to be told they have pneumonia but then to die of something quite different."

"You are not in civil life, Samson. You're in the Army!" thundered the medical officer. "And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia."

NO PRESUMPTION

Private Smith was brought before the Provost Marshal. The Provost Marshal asked the MP: "So you presume the man was driving when drunk?"

"No presumption, sir," said the cop. "I simply said he sat in his truck for three hours in front of an excavation with a red lantern on the road waiting for the light to go green."

DISRESPECT FOR A SUPERIOR

The sergeant has been berating a private for a long time: "Private Milton, your disgraceful conduct is a glaring example of insubordination and insolence towards a superior!" he shouted.

"But, sergeant, you've been talking for a whole hour and I haven't said a word. Where do you see 'insubordination and insolence towards a superior'?"

"No, you haven't said anything," snapped the sergeant, "but you've been listening in a most aggravating manner, and I'm not going to stand for it."

The Firing Squad

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely. The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, "Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?"

The man thought for a moment. "Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?"

The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song. "Ten million bottles of beer on the wall..."

OFFICER MATERIAL

Grinshaw wasn't much good in the field, but he passed his written exams with flying colors and, eventually, received word he was qualified for officers candidate school (OCS). His sergeant brought him the news.

"Well, Grinshaw, I hear you're going to OCS. I'm sure you'll make a fine officer, and that's the way it should because you'll never be a soldier."

SLOW BUT SURE

Two dogfaces were digging a foxhole.

"What made you join the Army?" asked one.

"Well, I read one of the posters that said: Join the Army and see the world! And I been doin' it - a shovelful at a time."

QUICKER THAN THE EYE

The private jumped out of his foxhole and took off for the rear. "Get down, you fool," yelled the lieutenant. "The enemy will see you where you are!"

"They may see where I was," the soldier shouted back, "but, by golly, nobody's gonna see where I am!"

SIMPLE SOLUTION

The philosophical problem of correlation of space and time which has always occupied the minds of the greatest thinkers of mankind was once practically solved by an Army sergeant who gave the following order to a fatigue party: "You, men, will dig here a ditch from this fence and until dinner time!"

IT DOESN'T MATTER

A soldier asked: "Isn't it a long distance from this point to the battlefield?"

Yes," answered his sergeant, "but you won't have to walk back".

MILITARY SECRET

Father told his schoolboy son to mail a letter he had written to an Army friend.

"Daddy," the son reported, "I've dropped the letter into the mail box."

"Have you?" exclaimed the father. "Didn't you notice that I had forgotten to write the address on the envelope."

"I did," answered the son, "but I thought it was a military secret."

Historic Custer battle

Some Leading Papers' Coverage of Custer's Massacre

Variety: "Custer Closes Out of Town"

Pravda: "Big Red Victory."

Sports Illustrated: "Indians Win Series"

Women's Wear Daily: "Feathers Make Comeback"

Reader's Digest: "Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff"

The Washington Post: "Custer Loses Rural Vote"

How Army policy began

This is Army policy all begins...

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been around here."

That's how Army policy begins...

PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE

Applying for a job the man said to the personnel manager: "No, I'm not married, but I learned to take orders in the Army."

EITHER

An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike."

"Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the GI.

Bring some more ammo

The company commander saw the results of Private Gibbson's Firing exercise and his face fell. The private exclaimed plaintively:

"Sir, I think I am going to commit suicide by shooting myself."

"By shooting?" reasked the company commander, "Not a bad idea! But take as many cartridges as possible."

Soldiers in Heaven

Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?"

"Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?"

"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards."

"Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave."

New chemical warfare

An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"

"Sure. That's easy," said one man.

"What is it?"

"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."

"What, what?" reasked the instructor.

"H to O," explained the chemistry expert

Painting shows it all

At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.

"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed.

"What painter?"

"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."

"Yes, but something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"

"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"

Changing Underwear

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces,

"I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."

The troops start cheering wildly. "Now the bad news," continues the Sarge. "Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy . . ."

Tough Drill Sargeant

"My army unit was so tough..."

"How tough was it?"

"It was so tough, the drill sergent used to wear a wig."

"What's so tough about that?"

"He used to keep it on with a nail."

What to Do

The young army doctor was stationed at a remote dispensary in the South Pacific.

One day he was puzzled about treatment for one of his patients. He radioed a base hospital:

"Have case of beriberi. What shall I do?"

A prankster got hold of the message. This was the reply:

"Give it to the Marines. They'll drink anything."

The Enemy

War was on and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war."

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "My God; the cook's working for the other side!"

Having a Baby

An Army major was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.

When the major and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook the major's hand.

"Don't congratulate me, sir," the major said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."

UNCLASSIFIED

A GI home on short leave was extremely unwilling to return to his unit so he had the cheek of calling his CO on the phone to tell him that illness had caused a delay in his arrival.

"I'm sick, sir," he said on the phone, "I have laryngitis."

"Then why aren't you whispering, Nicholson?" asked the CO.

"Why should I?" the soldier was surprised. "It ain't no military secret!"

Dogs Know

Two army second lieutenants were standing on a corner together. All of a sudden, a dog came over to one of them, lifted his leg and urinated on him.

The soldier turned to the other officer and said, "I wonder how he knew I was a 2nd Lt??"

Roll Call

It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames"
"Here!"

"Jenson"
"Here!"

"Jones"
"Here!"

"Magersky"
"Here!"

"Seeback"
" -- "

"Seeback!"
" -- "

"DAMNIT SEEBACK!!!"
" -- "

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

Inferiority Complex

Private Milton went to psychiatrist and complained:

"I have an inferiority complex."

"Nothing I can do for you", said the doc. "In the Army privates don't have an inferiority complex... they're just inferior..."

The Sign

A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess hall read:

"Don't Waste Food -- Food Will Win the War."

Beneath these words someone had scrawled:

"That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat here?"

The General's Men

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

The Company Sergent Is Briefing The Recruits:

"For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father, and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you know what that makes you..."

Become More Effective

The unit engineer had just finished a talk on introducing mechanization in fatigue details. A sergeant reported thoughtfully:

"Sir, I just discovered something that does the work of fifty men."

"What is it?" the officer got interested.

"Two hundred soldiers."

An Army Catholic Claplin was driving on a busy street on base. He wasn't paying full attention to his driving and at an intersection bumped into the back of a car driven by a visiting Protestant minister. As the two clergymen were looking over the damage, a M.P. officer came up to them, asked a couple of questions, and then said to the Claplin in his broad Irish brogue, "So tell me, Father, how fast do you think the Good Reverend was goin' when he backed into you?"

I'm Walking Backwards for...

One winter morning, an Soldier explained why he had missed Reveille and shown up 45 minutes late.

"It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two, Sir."

The Officer On Duty eyed him suspiciously.

"Oh, yeah? Then how you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started back to the barracks."

Received from: B.B.

Our Army physical-training program requires us to run two miles every other day in platoon formation. Being somewhat older than the other soldiers, I have trouble running faster than a ten-minute mile.

During a recent run, I was finding it difficult to complete the two miles without stopping, so I raised my hands high above my head to expand my diaphragm and gain my second wind.

Suddenly I heard a voice from behind me say, "Forget it, sergeant, we don't take prisoners."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it!"

A young man wasn't thrilled when he received his draft notice and thought a few well-placed answers could help him fail the physical.

Doctor: "What do you see on that wall over there?"

Young Man: "What wall?

Doctor: "Great! You just passed the hearing test."

US Army private filling out a questionnaire ...

A US Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?" He thought for a moment, and then wrote, "Since 1776."

Army Food Spoilage Test

Finally, a way to let Army Mess Sergeants know what to throw-out and what to save!

EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled -- (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT: It never spoils.

LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully. Very, very carefully!

RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it's well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a goldfish. Keep a goldfish nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

Snow Bound

The Army Private was very happy to be one of the very few lower-enlisted people to be authorized to live in on-post family housing, as part of a new Army Test Program. He decided that he would follow all housing regulations to the letter, to make sure he would be allowed to stay.

During the first snow-fall of the year, he turned on the Command Information Channel on his cable-TV, and heard the following message: "The National Weather Service has predicted three inches of snow. The Post Commander has instituted snow-condition Alpha, which means that all privately owned vehicles should be parked on the South or East sides of the street."

The Army private hurried out of the house and moved his car to the east side of the street. One week later, it started to snow again, so he turned on the Command Information Channel once more. The announcer said, "The National Weather Service has predicted five inches of snow. The Post Commander has instituted snow-condition Bravo, which means that all privately owned vehicles should be parked on the North or West sides of the Street."

Again, the private ran out into the snow to move his car to the West side of the street.

Two weeks later, it began to snow again. The private turned on the Command Information Channel, but apparently the storm had knocked the channel off the air. In a panic, he shouted at his Wife, "What should I do??????"

"Oh, Terry," the wife replied, "Just leave the car in the garage."

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

One soldier asked anouther whether he bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

"Yes", the other said, "I bought her a belt and a bag."

"That was very nice of you", the first replied, "I hope she appreciated the thought."

The other said, "So do I, and hopefully the vaccuum cleaner will work better now."

Laziest Soldier

A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?" The man replied: "Too much trouble, sarge."

A tired soldier seperatered from his unit stumbled into a bivouac. "Am I glad to see you, Sir" he said to the officer in charge. "I've been lost for three days."

"Don't get too excited, friend," the officer replied. "We've been lost for three weeks."

Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps very difficult. The American Army attach small lights called chemlites to make their jumpsuits visible to the rest of the group.

Late one night, lost after a practice jump, some of them knocked at the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.

"Excuse me," one said, "Can you tell us where we are?"

In a thick English accent, the woman paused before answering and then replied, "Earth."

During an Army Reserve unit's annual training, the battalion commander was upset that evening chow was late. He called the mess hall, and the mass sergeant explained that because their vehicle broke down, they couldn't deliver the field rations to our bivouac site.

The commander immediately yelled to his driver, "Private! Drive to the mess hall and get chow!"

The private took off on the 15- minute trip. Over an hour later, we were dismayed to see him return empty-handed.

"Private!" demanded the commander. "What about chow?"

"It was delicious, sir." replied the driver. "I got there right before the mess hall closed, so I got seconds."

A newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit.

One day a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. He figured it meant him too, so he read and initialed.

A few days later, it came back addressed specifically to him. An attached note read:

"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee."
"Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

Company Commander to Career Private:

"Private you lied to me. You took a 3 day pass to bury your mother-in-law, and I met her in the Post Exchange this morning".

"Oh Sir, I didn't say she was dead. I just said I would like to go to her funeral."

One Difficult Question

As part of an rank upgrade evaluation a company commander is interviewing a soldier,

"Tell me your choice. I can either ask you ten easy questions or one very difficult question. Think hard before you make up your mind."

"Ummm, I'd like one very difficult question, sir."

"You have made your own choice. Good luck to you. Tell me which comes first: day or night?"

"The day, sir."

"And how did you reach that conclusion?"

"Sorry, sir. I can't answer that. I said I would only answer one difficult question."

One day while a soldier was home on leave, he took his son to school. When he met his son's second-grade teacher, she asked him what he did in the service. He told her he was in the Infantry.

Her response:

"I think it's just wonderful for any man in the military to work with infants."

Submitted by unknown soldier.

While stationed in Japan I was determined to learn as much of the Japanese language as possible. As I sat in a bar in Tokyo I asked the bartender how to pronounce various drinks in Japanese. Casually I asked him, "How do you say Tom Collins in Japanese?"

He responded, "How you say Sake in English?"

That ended my education for the evening.

A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough, his father asked him what he thought of army life.

"It's pretty good, Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy, but best of all is that they let you sleep real late in the morning."

During basic training, a drill sergeant asked all Jewish personnel to make themselves known. Six of them tentatively raised our hands. Much to their relief, they were given the day off for Rosh Hashanah.

A few days later, in anticipation of Yom Kippur, the sergeant again asked for all Jewish personnel to identify themselves. This time, every soldier raised his hand.

"Only those who were Jewish last week can be Jewish this week," declared the sergeant.

"Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment."

(US Army Field Regulations, 1861)

The Five Most Dangerous Things in the Army

1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."

2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."

3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."

4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."

5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $#!+..."

Just Plane Dumb

The military commander had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from the enemy. So, he summoned a corporal. "I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of a military activity."

The corporal trudged up the mountain. As soon as he crossed the ridge, he saw a squadron of planes heading their way.

"There are many planes coming!" he promptly radioed back.

"Friends or enemies?" the commander demanded urgently.

The corporal again lifted his binoculars to the sky. "They're flying very closely together" , he replied. "I think they must be friends."

Having to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the chow hall, a troop was thrilled to go on leave and eat his mom's cooking. Every day, she'd serve his favorite meals. The night before he headed back to base, he said to Mom, "I'm going to miss this great home cooking."

That's when his 11-year-old brother piped up. "Yeah," he said. "So are we."

A Division Commander can do about anything he wants and one decided to have the engineers install a large, cast aluminum, decorative sundial in front of his headquarters.

The Division XO stopped to watch the progress and asked, "What the heck's that for?"

One engineer explained, "It's a sundial. Sir, the sun will hit that small triangular spike and cast a shadow on the face of the sundial. Then, as the sun moves across the sky, the shadow also moves across the calibrated dial, enabling a person to determine the correct time."

The XO shook his head and muttered, "Huh, what will they think of next?!"

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.

"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."

Just before a soldier was deployed to Iraq, he sat his eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him.

"I'm going to be away for a long time," he told him. "I'm going to Iraq."

"Why?" the son asked. "Don't you know there's a war going on over there?"

"I suppose," snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, "that when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for me to die, just so you can spit on my grave."

"Not me," said the private. "When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again."

THE ARMY -- THEN AND NOW

Then-

Rifles were made of wood and steel, shot a 7.62 caliber bullet that killed the enemy.

Now-

Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .223 caliber bullet that wounds the enemy.

Then-

If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.

Now-

If you smoke, you are sent outside and are treated like a leper.

Then-

If you said "damn," people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.

Now-

If you say "damn" you better be talking about a hydroelectric plant.

Then-

NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.

Now-

Everyone has an Internet computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

Then-

We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home.

Now-

We put the real thing in the cockpit.

Then-

If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.

Now-

If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab and ruin your whole career.

Then-

Canteens were made out of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.

Now-

Canteens are made of plastic. You can't heat anything in them and they always taste like plastic.

Then-

Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect.

Now-


Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.

Then-

If you don't act right, the commander might put you in a cell till you straighten up.

Now-

If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

Then-

You slept in a barracks... like a soldier.

Now-

You sleep in a dormitory... like a college kid.

Then-

You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.

Now-

You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.

Then-

If you wanted to relax, you went to the Recreation Center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.

Now-

You go to the Community Center and can still play pool.

Then-

If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO or Officers Club.

Now-

The beer will cost you $1.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

Then-

The Post Echange had bargains for GI's who didn't make much money.

Now-

You can get better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart.

Then-

If a general wanted to make a presentation he scribbled some notes down and a corporal prepared a bunch of charts.

Now-

Now a Major prepares the charts spending hours using Power Point.

Then-

Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.

Now-

Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

Then-

If you killed an enemy soldier, you could bring home his rifle as a trophy.

Now-

If you bring home anything at all as a trophy you get a court martial.

Then-

A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.

Now-

A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

Then-

All you could think of was getting out and becoming a civilian again.

Now-

All you can think of is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

The New Call for Fire Procedure for the Army of One

Picture troops under fire, desperately needing artillery support,making a cellphone call and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling the 25th Infantry Division's automated artillery support request line. Please be assured that we will attempt to assist you with all available resources in the shortest time possible.

For air support, please call the U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW.

For naval gun fire, please call 1-888-SEASICK.

If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please press 1.

If you are engaged in mobile defense, please press 2.

If you are defending a fixed position, please press 3.

If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about to be overrun, please press 4.

If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission request, please press 5.Press the star key at any time to return to the main menu.

If you are using a TA-312, remain on the line and one of our customer support counselors will be with you shortly.

Please select the type of fire mission you would like.

If you would like 81 mm or 4.2 inch mortars, please press 1.

If you would like 155 mm howitzers, please press 2.

If you would like advanced munitions, such as fuel-oil explosives or scattering mines, please press 3 to speak with one of our soldier advocates to complete our brief Advanced Firepower Usage Survey.

If you would like to request chemical or nuclear weapons, please press 4 and hold the line. The Secretary of Defense will speak with you as soon as possible.

Enter the map coordinates of the target you would like to strike, followed by the pound sign.

If you need to enter map grid designations, please use the star for a "q" and the pound sign for an "i."

Please remember to verify your coordinates and that your request may take several minute to process.

[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep]

You have entered co-ordinates 32364519.

If this is correct, please press 1.

If this is incorrect, please press 2 and re-enter the coordinates. Thank you.

Please enter your battalion, company and platoon passcodes, each followed by the pound sign. As soon as we verify your passcodes, we will begin processing your request.

If you have forgotten your passcode, please contact 1-800-IFORGOT for a temporary passcode.

Please enter your passcode now.

[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-#, beep-beep-beep-beep-#, beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-#]

Thank you. [Pause] Your passcodes have been verified and your request will be processed.

We strongly suggest that you and your comrades take cover as soon as possible.

Thank you for using the 25th Infantry Division's artillery request support line and have a nice day.

Reasons why you know that the Army Mission has made an impact on your family life!!!!"

10. Last night you had a dream and everyone was using acronyms.

9. You think Ft. Polk is a resort area.

8. You have 3 sons and their names are Riley, Hood, and Stewert.

7. Your baby's first words were Hoowaa!!!

6. Your relatives refuse to write your phone # down in ink in their address book.

5. You have a bumper sticker that reads, I'd rather be packing out!!

4. Your spouse tells you they are going TDY and you immediately think of ways how to spend the extra money!

3. Your children ask if they can go to the PX while you are on leave.

2. Every time there is a threat of any kind in the world, your mom calls and asks if your spouse knows anything about it.

1. When you go the PX, your 10 month old calls out daddy to anyone wearing a set of BDU'S

How to Simulate Life in the Army

1. Dig a big hole in your back yard and live in it for 30 days straight.

2. Go inside only to clean the house. On weekends, you can eat in the house, but you can't talk.

3. Pour 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your hole, then shovel it out, stack sandbags around it and cover it with a sheet of old plywood.

4. Fill a backpack with 50 pounds of kitty litter. Never take it off outdoors. Jog everywhere you go.

5. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

6. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

7. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn the water pressure in your shower down to a trickle, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it up so hard it peels skin. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they can't use the shower in order to keep it clean for inspection.

8. Go inside and make your bed every morning. Have your wife tear the blankets off at random during the day. Re-make the bed each time until it is time to go back outside and sleep in your hole.

9. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Get up! Get up! You are moving too slow! Get down and do push-ups!"

10. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

11. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the bathroom door that says, "Unserviceable."

12. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 5pm.

13. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Have them all dig holes in your yard to live in. After 30 days, fill in the holes and wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home as you set out for a 25 mile walk and After-Action-Review.

14. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

15. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

16. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes. Write down on a piece of paper everything you want the shop to fix the next time you bring the car in. Give your wife the list to throw away.

17. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours with the windows down before going anywhere. Tune the radio to static and monitor it while letting the car run. If it is cold outside, don't run the heat. Sleep on the hood or roof of your car.

18. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.

19. Repaint your entire house once a month. Paint white rings around all the trees in your neighborhood. Paint all curbs yellow. Paint all rocks red.

20. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

21. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

22. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

23. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel when you are inside to eat. Tune the tint on the TV to green.

24. Avoid watching your green tinted TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

25. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

26. Sew big pockets to the legs of your pants. Don't use them.

27. Spend 2 weeks sleeping in holes in your neighbor's lawns and call it a deployment.

28. Spend a year sleeping in holes in your local area and call it world travel.

29. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

30. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

31. Blast heavy metal music on your stereo and conduct Ranger PT, grass drills, and sprints on your front lawn after your neighbors have gone to bed.

32. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their fighting positions. Don't let them eat or sleep again for two days.

33. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

34. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

35. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

36. In the middle of January, place a gate at the end of your street. Have your family stand watches at the gate, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

37. Make your family live with you in your hole for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "block leave." When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Individual Skill Certification, and that it will be another week before they can go back into the house.

38. In your hole (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friends (see para. 13), get the flu.

39. Sleep in a thicket of blackberries or rose bushes. Tie a string to your foot that runs to the house. Have your wife yank on the string about 3 hours after you go to sleep. Crawl out of the bushes and go to the house to see what she wants. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Just making sure you're okay."

40. Do not sleep from 1:00 a.m. Monday mornings until 3 p.m. Wednesday afternoons. Tie a branch around your neck and chew on sand to stay awake.

41. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, dig a trench into your hole so that it fills up with water. During the worst part of the storm, get out of your hole and go for a 12 mile walk.

42. Don't change your socks for a week. After they disintegrate off with pieces of your feet, put on an unbroken pair of new boots and go for a 12 mile walk.

43. For mechanized infantry or armor types: leave the lawn mower running next to your hole 24 hours a day. When you get an opportunity to sleep in your house, put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

44. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

45. Set up a port-a-potty in the corner of your yard. Once a week, have the service truck back into your yard and pump it out. Make sure the wind carries the smell into your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.

46. Every other month pull every single possession you own out of your house and line everything up on your lawn from smallest to largest, front to back. Count everything and write it down to file with your insurance company. Give your wife the list to throw away.

47. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

48. Buy a trash can, but don't use it. Store the garbage in your hole.

49. Get up every night around midnight and stroll around your yard to "check the perimeter."

50. Run the garden hose to your hole and turn it on. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. Jump up and get dressed as fast as you can. Run out into the backyard and get in your hole.

51. Once a month, take apart every major appliance in your home and put them back together again.

52. Build a scale model of your yard. Make your children draw sketches of it including little arrows indicating what they are going to do when they go out to play. Post these sketches on a bulletin board for reference.

53. Remove the insulation and widen the frames of your front and back doors so that no matter how tight you shut the door, the weather will still get inside.

54. Every so often, throw the cat in front of your hole and shout "Enemy in the wire! Fire Claymores!" Then run into the house cut off the circuit breaker. Yell at the wife and kids for violating security and not maintaining good noise and light discipline.

55. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go sit in your car. Say to no one in particular "Lost-One, this is Lost-Three, are you lost too, over?" Sit there for three or four hours with the engine running. Say again to no one in particular "Negative contact, Lost-Three out." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

How to be Politically Correct when talking about Males and Males in the Army.

----------

He does not have a beer gut...

He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)

He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)

----------

He is not quiet...

He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is a SAMS grad.

----------

He is not stupid...

He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He is a field grade.

----------

He does not get lost all the time...

He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He gets temporarily misoriented.

----------

He is not balding...

He is in Follicle Regression.

He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.

----------

He is not a cradle robber...

He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He is breaking the new fraternization policies.

----------

He does not get falling-down drunk...

He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He practices his IMTs in the club.

----------

He is not short...

He is Anatomically Compact.

He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.

----------

He does not have a rich daddy...

He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He has the Army as a hobby.

----------

He does not constantly talk about cars...

He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He must be a Transporter.

----------

He does not have a hot body...

He is Physically Combustible.

He is a PT stud.

----------

He is not unsophisticated...

He is Socially Challenged.

He is a Ranger.

----------

He does not eat like a pig...

He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.

----------

He is not a bad dancer...

He is Overly Caucasian.

He is from the Muddy Boots Army.

----------

He does not hog the blankets...

He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is a Blue Falcon.

----------

He is not a male chauvinist pig...

He has Swine Empathy.

He must be combat arms.

----------

He is not afraid of commitment...

He is Monogamously Challenged.

He loves TDY.

Army Staffing

The Army had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. The IG Office performed an inspection and gave the following write-up: "Improper Security. Someone can easily steal from this area."

So, the Army created positions for four MPs to guard the facility night and day.

The IG re-inspected, and gave the following write-up: "Improper procedures. There are no written instructions for the MPs to do their job."

So, the Army created a planning section, and staffed it with two NCOs, one to write the instructions, and one to do time-studies.

The IG re-inspected and gave the following write-up: "There are no procedures in place to ensure the MPs are performing their duties correctly."

The Army responded by creating a Total Quality Management section and staffed it with two NCOs, one to do studies and perform inspections and the other to write and file reports.

The IG re-inspected and gave the following write-up: "Insufficient supervision. There is no definable chain-of-command."

So, the Army created an administrative section, and staffed it with an officer as OIC, a senior NCO as NCOIC, and two enlisted administrative specialists.

The IG re-inspected, and concluded: "This operation has met the requirements of the regulations. However, the command has been in operation for only one year and is already $18,000 over budget. The command must streamline operations and cut back on unnecessary staffing positions."

So, the OIC eliminated the four MP positions.

Army Football Practice for Army/Navy Game Delayed

West Point (NY) -- Army football practice was delayed nearly two hours yesterday after a player reported finding an unknown powdery white substance on the practice field. New head coach, John Mumford, immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis by both the FBI and Army Intelligence, forensic experts determined the powdery white substance unknown to players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

Go NAVY!!! - Al Nofi (Contributing Editor)

Go ARMY!!! - Dan Masterson (Publisher - Someone has to cheer for them)

The Army Coloring Book

http://www.army.mil/coolstuff/
coloring/index.html

Good Grief! it's actually true! We're now looking for recruits that like to color???? Better use might be as a field sobriety test - if you suspect someone is coming to work under the influence, just sit them down to this and tell them they must color within the lines.....

As if the Army's new TV ads aren't good enough already - the Army now has a new coloring book on its website to try to lure potential recruits. My personal favorites to color are the Missile on page 6 and the Armored Reconnaissance Vehicle on page 7. However, you might be partial to the Infantry Combat Vehicle on page 8 or the Infantry Fighting Vehicle on page 9. Check it out:

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.

The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

The Tactful Sergeant...

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

Halley's Comet

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, a guy eagerly asked his Recruiter what he could expect from jump school.

"Well," the Recruiter said, "its three weeks long."

"What else," the guy asked.

"The first week they separate the men from the boys," the Recruiter said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

"And the third week?" the guy asked.

"The third week, the fools jump."

Little grandson asked: "Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?"

"I was, grand sonny, but only until I fell asleep."

When asked what he thought about the new squad radio, one Army sergeant told the man from the R/D agency: "This squad radio should be replaced with a good whistle."

Convince these students

An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits.

A visitor asked a student: "Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?"

"We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!" explained the student.

The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.

"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"

After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.

"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.

"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."

Choose a punishment

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.

"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.

"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

Jump School

A sergeant in a parachute regiment took part in several night time exercises. Once, he was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.

He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so the sergeant struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?" , the sergeant asked.

The Lieutenant replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

The sergeant asked, "What's the difference?"

The Lieutenant replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

How Long

An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"

He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."

Mess

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.

It wasn't until four weeks later that someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.

An officer reads lectures to a group of soldiers. When he says: "Water boils at 360 degrees"

One of the soldiers dares to oppose: "Sir, water boils at 100 degrees centigrade".

"Are you sure?"

"I am sure, lieutenant."

"I'll check it until the next lesson."

The next lesson the officer says: "Soldiers, make a correction in your notes from the previous lesson: Water boils at 100 degrees. 360 degrees is right angle."

Because of sniper activity, no soldier on one base in Iraq was ever permitted to jog along the perimeter fence. Smart rule, smarter than some of the guards who worked there. When a troop told an MP about some joggers near the fence, he asked,

"These runners, are they on foot?"

A soldier who had just returned from Afghanistan had plans to becoming a greens keeper on a local Country Club once he was discharged. He applied to a local college for its golf course superintendent program, but the department chair worried that he might not be up for the job.

"It's stressful," he said. "You have to fight the weather, insects and demanding club members."

"Will anyone be shooting at me while I mow the grass?" asked the soldier.

"Of course not."

"I'll take the job."

As the family gathered for a big Thanksgiving dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training" scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question:

"Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

Troop 1: "Our Mess Hall Cook is terrible."

Troop 2: "How bad is he?"

Troop 1: "He's so bad, we pray before and after we eat."

My Homeland

An American soldier, a Russian soldier, and an African soldier were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian soldier put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few hours later the African soldier put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.

"I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."

Halfway through dinner with friends one night, one fellow named Jim told about his days playing football in college as defensive lineman.

"Did you play sport in college, Mike?" Jim's wife then asked Mike.

"Yes," Mike answered. "I was on West Point's shooting team."

"That's great," she said. "Offense or defense?"